Vanished
by Say It Say My Name
Summary: What happens when Prussia wanders, wasted, into Switzie's home and removes his pants in the presence of Liechtenstein? Well, not what you'd expect, as America is there to save the day and UK is only happy to vanish Prussia away. Warning!OCs. Finished!
1. Prologue

**A/N: Welp. Those page breakers officially hate me. I _had _an author's note already, and I put a page break, then I wanted to put one on the bottom and it was like NOYOUCAN'TIMMABALEETEVERYTHING. Sooo yeah. New author's note! Whoo! (Yeah, I don't remember what I wrote before. Cool right?) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia and even if I did it wouldn't update, anyway.**

**Warning! YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT HOT POCK... I mean, human OCs, XTREME swearing, awesome!Prussia, and several combinations thereof!**

* * *

Prologue

He was a hero. Normally he didn't need to go to _anyone_ for help, but Prussia had gone too far. If Prussia had been sober, he never would have gone to Switzerland, he never would have said those things in front of Liechtenstein, and he never would have removed his pants. (Well, not if Switzerland was as armed to the teeth as he was, anyway. How he managed to flee in the first place was still a mystery to the hero.)

He knew that had he not found him before Switzerland, the trigger-happy boy would have sent him off with his next shipment of Swiss cheese.

So he knocked the Prussian out and tied him up and went to one of his few _good_ friends. The best way to keep everyone happy (well, with the exception of Prussia, perhaps) was to spirit him away, and his friend was glad to do it.

One problem: "It would appear that this spell needs a virgin girl of Prussian descent as a sacrifice..."

"You have to kill a chick?" That would not sit well.

"No, you git. By 'sacrifice' I simply mean 'someone to send Prussia to'. Why the person must be a virgin and a girl, I haven't the slightest clue. Possibly because this spell was originally for sending dragons away..."

Prussia snored loudly, the very image of a sleeping dragon. Or at least something with the capacity to be quite scary when not sleeping and drooling one-hundred-fifty-proof beer.

"Um, okay. No objections then."

"Hmm... well, why waste time looking things up? Give me a German-sounding name, quick!"

"UM UM UM HILDEGARD SCH-" A nasally hacking could be heard, even though it added nothing to the name. There was no phlegm in the pronunciation. "-MELING!"

"Really? That's the _first thing_ you think of when I say 'German-sounding name'?" He sighed and shook his head, but tried the spell nonetheless.

Prussia disappeared.

"Wot'ya know? Hildegard Schmeling is a real person! Good for us."

"Bad for Hildegard."

"Better her than the rest of Europe."

"...Hey. Where'd you send him?"

His friend shrugged.

"Can't you find out?"

"Yes, but why_ever_ would I want to?"

"So... that... we can... tell people to _avoid_ that area! It's only the heroic thing to do."

The other considered this and shrugged again. Then he shortly burst out laughing.

"WHAT WHAT WHERE IS HE?"

The hero feared he was missing out on some great joke.

He was.

"HE'S. IN. YOUR. _PENIS_! HAAHAHAHA!"

"_What_. YOU. SENT. HIM. TO. _FLORIDA_?"

"YOU picked the name! Twit! Hahahaha!"

"I hate you, jeeerk."

The other just kept laughing.

"Clearly the feeling is mutual!"

He stormed out to drown both his brain and penis in bleach, never to unsee the image of Prussia in his penis again.

* * *

**I am probably one of the few authors I have read who honestly do not care whether or not you review. I don't normally post this stuff; I only send 'em to a friend or two, who usually spoil the hell out of me 'cause "they're sooo awesome you're suuuch a geniuuus". Big fat liars, but whatev. Do what you want. Oh, and if you send me punctuation/grammar/spelling corrections, I WILL fix them ASAP. Unless I think you're stupid. ;D And yes. Caps and one word sentences are CLASSY. Don't worry, it's not a common occurrence, I pwomise.**


	2. Chapter 1, First Impression

**A/N: Hello again! I know, I didn't expect to see me back either. Told from that human OC's pov (the one I warned you about last chapter). Yep. She's completely human. Speaking of human, usually the warnings about "human" are about human names. I have no such warning. Prussia ends up picking one, and well... it's fairly predictable (for not being Gilbert, anyway). Hopefully she's not mary sue-ish at all... I'm working her out still. xD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia and if I did no one would write fanfiction for it, anyway.**

**Warning! Human OCs, XTREEEEME swearing, awesome!Prussia, a ton of dialogue, and several combinations thereof!**

**Wheee long one :D**

* * *

Chapter One

I am German. Well, my grandparents were. Actually, if we're getting technical, they were _Prussian_, as they were natives of Potsdam.

That's what the boy, a stalker, insane, a nation, or possibly all three, said.

I found him sitting outside my apartment, under the window, looking out at the street. I didn't recognize him, but then, all I could see was his blond-almost-silver hair. He noticed me coming and looked over. I almost fled in terror, but instead reached for the small knife in my bag that I managed to smuggle into school every day. _Red eyes_. What the heck?

He jumped up off the ground as if he had been waiting for me, which only made me more suspicious. He wasn't holding a pizza, so there was no reason he should be there. I had no business with older boys, and I _definitely_ had not _ever_ seen him before.

"Oy, _wo ist das_?"

Like I said, I'm of German descent, and I can recognize German, but I can't do much more than that.

"Um. Sorry, I _spreche kein Deutsch_?" I cringed at my own pronunciation. So I was a little rusty.

He shrugged. "English then?" I nodded. "Shit. What country's this, chicky?"

"America," I said. Great, some druggie-time-traveling-German...

"Strange. I've never drunk-flown to America. Canada, yes. Mexico, _hell yes_. But America? I wouldn't even come here _voluntarily_. Or sober. Whatever." Human, weapon, and drug trafficker, too, no doubt. "So, _American_. How many generations has your family been here?"

And he must have escaped from some sort of loony bin. Who _asks_ those sorts of questions?

I guess I was staring and not answering, because he said some more words.

"Oy, chicky. The awesome me asked you a damn question. How many generations has your family been here?"

I answered out of bemusement. "I'm the second generation born here."

"Okay, where are your grandparents from?"

"Germany."

"Aha! As I thought! Which part?"

"East Germany, I think?" He laughed. "Around Potsdam? I don't know. Why are you asking... and laughing?" I edged toward my door.

"You're not German, you're _Prussian_. Which is far more awesome, by the way."

"Russian, you mean? Like Russia? _Prussia_'s not a country," I said, finally unlocking my door. I would go to my phone and call the police. Yeah, that'd work.

"Yes I was! And I'm freaking _awesome_! How can you not know about the awesomeness that is Prussia? What kind of crap is America teaching his kids these days?" He frowned and followed me into my apartment. He was just a crazy person following me into my house... an every day occurrence in my neighborhood.

I tossed my backpack toward the couch (though not before putting my knife in my pocket).

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"So I'm guessing you don't have any silty American beer, let alone awesome German beer?"

"No," I said, and crossed my arms. "The drinking age is twenty-one here." Though my dad, for one, cared nothing for "the _gottverdammten _drinking age".

"Oh, yeah. I know that. Well shit. The awesome me doesn't pass for twenty-one?"

I looked over at him from next to the phone. About five nine, clearly did what every mother tells her children not to do ("Keep making that face and it'll get stuck like that!"). He appeared to be in his early twenties, but that face - kind of cute, but... "You have a little kid's face. Twelve maybe." I forgot about the phone.

"Unawesome lies," he said, shaking his head. "What was your name?"

"Hildegard Schmeling."

"I'm Prussia."

"Okay, then." He had taken a seat next to my backpack and seemed about ready to rifle through it, so I knelt down across from him with the coffee table between us. "_Prussia_. Even with the drunk-flying or whatever, why didn't you stay _in the airport_?"

He stroked his chin. "Awesome question. I don't know. Don't think I was sober yet, 'cause I don't even remember arriving or being on the plane at all."

"Why haven't you called a taxi yet?"

"Felt like shit since I regained consciousness, well, now I don't, but I did until you got here. And I don't know where my cell phone is. And you know what? I don't think these are even my pants."

I glanced down at his jeans, which appeared to fit fine, tucked as they were into knee-high combat boots. But what did I know about him and his pants? Already more than I needed to, that was for sure.

"How'd you get here, then?"

"Hell, I don't know."

"Why would you come to America in the first place?"

He snickered at me. "Maybe 'cause America is _easy_. Kesesesese."

Obviously he was trying to make that sound perverted, but I wasn't so sure about the subtext behind it. "That doesn't even make sense."

"You asked!"

"You don't know, do you?"

"_Nein_." He crossed his arms. "I don't even know which fucking state I'm in."

Though mildly alarmed at his language (I was a little sheltered, okay?), I told him. "Florida." Besides, how'd he get from Tampa to _here_? He had to have gotten in a taxi and wandered over or something. It was a huge gaping hole in his story, and it was totally peeving me.

"I'm in America's penis?" I rolled my eyes. "Daaayum, that's gonna be awkward at the next meeting."

"Welcome to second grade, much?"

He ignored me. "I think America unawesomely pissed me off recently. That must be why I'm here. For pay back."

"An entire country pissed you off?"

Prussia shook his head. "No, no, you don't get it. Okay, how about this? Think about a time you saw your president. On TV or something."

"Uh, okay."

"Good, now somewhere nearby him, there's a guy who looks a year or two younger than me, blue eyes, glasses, blond hair. Probably eating something."

I had noticed the same guy earlier that year. No one ever introduced him, though he was a rather interesting background event, as well as being sort of cute. He wasn't eating anything then, but he did have a rather large soda on hand. "Uh huh..."

"That's America. He's nosey, conceited, and an overall obnoxious..." Prussia began to mutter German beyond my comprehension to himself. He interrupted himself at some point after I'd stopped paying attention and said brightly, "All in all, however, he's not as bad as some of the others."

I went back to my phone. Okay, so he was a nation, or a crazy conspiracy theorist. "Do you want a taxi to the airport?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Nein, I have bestowed way too much awesome on Europe recently. If I go back now, they may explode from awesome overload. Also, I have no money. Also, you, being awesomely Prussian and all, are _probably_ why I'm _here_."

I frowned, as I had had nothing to do with him and didn't even know of his existence until ten minutes previous. "And what exactly am I supposed to do with you?"

He donned a puppy face. "I can think of several things, but mostly, let the awesome me crash on your couch until someone comes looking for me?" I abandoned the phone and headed for the kitchen. Walking home can be a bitch. A bitch who starves you, leaves you dehydrated, and saps your energy. Kinda makes you need to use the bathroom, too. Anyway.

"How do you know someone will come looking for you?"

Prussia followed me there like a lost puppy. "People always look for my awesome eventually. Duh," he said.

I found a box of rice krispies in a cabinet, opened it, and tossed two of them to Prussia, then took two for myself. "Whatever. My dad probably won't show up for a while, so I don't care. As long as you don't, you know, murder me in my sleep or rape me or anything."

"Whaaat? I wouldn't do that," he said, "Unless you do something completely unawesome towards which I have to threaten one of those things..."

Reassuring, but I was no more scared of him than before. I could probably take him. "Doubtful. I'm giving you free rent on my couch, aren't I?"

"True," he said, tearing open the rice krispie wrapper with his teeth. "Very true."

"Do you want to try and contact someone anyway?" I asked.

"No one will notice or care that much," he said. "Which is great, because I needed a vacation from their unawesomeness!"

He refused to look at me, just glared hatefully at his food. My first he's-a-crazy-person impression would probably never leave at this rate.

"All right, if you say so. But the computer is in that room, if you want to use it. I need to take a shower."

"Sure," Prussia said. I turned to leave, and he got up and followed me.

"That room," I said, pointing to the tiny computer room.

He pouted. "Aww, I wanted to take a shower, too."

"There's only one bathroom."

"Ja, and?"

I shook my head at him but otherwise ignored him. Psychotic pervert was not much of an upgrade at all for this guy. I found a change of clothes and brought them with me into the bathroom, and locked the door as everyone should do whenever they go into a bathroom.

About ten minutes later, Prussia yelled, "Sure you don't want any _help_ in there?"

"Yeah, I'm sure! I think I'm good! Only been, you know, bathing myself for ten years!"

I heard him laugh, then he shouted, "Your computer is not very nice!"

"Why's that?"

"Won't let me on my email, or Facebook, or Twitter, or porn sites..."

Just what I needed on my browser history. But I knew how to delete that. "So turn off the protection thing!"

"I did!" I turned the water off, but he continued shouting louder than necessary. A crazy person, as I said. "But I still can't get on my email, or Facebook, or Twitter, so now I'm screwing around on das Wiki!"

Once I was dressed, I found him doing just as he said: making what I assumed were dick jokes on the featured article of the German Wikipedia and snickering as he did so.

"Let me see," I said. He pushed back from the desk, and I bent over the keyboard and opened my email. As soon as I input my password and hit enter, the words "Virgins don't help dragons" appeared in large letters across the screen. "Huh? Is this what came up for you as well?"

He stopped spinning in the chair long enough to look, then burst out laughing. "Nein, nein! When I tried to log in, it said _dragons don't use computers_. On Facebook and Twitter, too. Hahaha... virgin... ha!"

"Go back to second grade," I told him. "Maybe my computer has a virus."

"Google works. Wikipedia works. Random porn sites work. Cracked works. My blog doesn't, it said the dragon thing again."

Lunatic, that's what he is; he's a lunatic with a blog, joy. But it seemed that he was only trying to embarrass me with the porn thing; after all, he had closed them. Unfortunately for Prussia, I don't embarrass easy.

"Well. Guess we just can't use those, then. Did you try IM?" I asked.

"Ja. Same thing."

"Huh."

We puzzled over it until around eleven (which is when I decided I should sleep), but neither of us ever got onto any social networking sites or email hosts. This annoyed Prussia to no end (both the inability to log in and my insistence on going to bed at eleven) but he went anyway. I pulled out the bed in the couch and found him a pillow and sheets, then went to bed myself.

Day one with a crazy person, survived.

* * *

Ohmahkey

"_Italiaaaaa!_" Germany yelled from his office.

"Cosa?" Italy poked his head through the door, only to see Germany frowning intensely at the window. "I didn't do it!"

He shook his head. "Calm down, I just want to know if you've seen Prussia. While I'm glad he's not lurking around here, I'm worried that he may be pissing someone else off as we speak."

Italy entered Germany's office, holding out his hands. "No, I haven't seen tuo fratello," he said, and showed Germany the small, familiar yellow bird chirping. "But I found his bird in your kitchen!"

* * *

**A/N the second: I reeeally like dialogue. And Prussia. And Prussia's dialogue. And snarking. And snarky dialogue. And Prussia's snarky dialogue. And snarky dialogue aimed at Prussia. And basically anything aimed at Prussia. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed improving it to MooMooCowTheWriter, AKA Alex AKA Fluffy. :3**

**Oh yeah, and translations, though they should be fairly obvious. Most in German, some Italyish. (Shut up.)**

**_Wo ist das?_ Where is this? (Okay, this one isn't so obvious.)**

**I _spreche kein Deutsch_? I speak no German? (Yeah, she speaks Gerglish, if anything. xP)**

**..."that _gottverdammten_ drinking age" That goddamned drinking age. (He approves as long as they don't drive afterward ;D)  
**

_**Nein. **_**No. (And I'm not going to translate this one or italicize it again.)**

_**Italia!**_** Italy! (Italian. It doesn't throw as well in German, methinks. "Italien".)**

_**Cosa? **_**What? (Which is strange for me, having taken Spanish my whole life, where "cosa" means "thing", heh.)**

_**...tuo fratello. ...**_**your brother.**

**KTHANKSBAIheart**

**Edit: 3:43 PM 2/9/011. My cat was trying to mess me up whilst typing this. Wheeeeeeee D Excitement in chapter two? I sure hope so! Tune in Tuesday for some Hot Prussia-Fanfic action! Also, Fruity Pebbles. **

**Do you like my ohmahkey thingy down on the bottom? In case you're wondering what's going on in Europe. ;D There will be one each at the end of the next eleven chapters, at least, as denoted by Ohmahkey. :] And yes, that comes from how I say "omake" and the fact that I have no idea what an "omake" actually is. Go ahead. Flame my pronunciation. I CAN'T SAY WORDS. xD**

**P.S. I'm a chick, in case you didn't know that. That's why this story is from Hildy's pov for the most part.**


	3. Chapter 2, Romantic? Nah

**A/N: Oh hello. Back for more, I see. Well, you shall have it. You may also have some cake, as cake is delicious, and in this case, a lie, for all I can bestow upon you in cake form is... virtual cake.**

**Disclaimer: The cake is a lie and Hetalia cakes are delicious, but Hetalia does not belong to me. All of your bases do, though. MY ALEJANDRO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LADY GAGA. THIS TIME. Probably.**

**Warning! Crappy jokes in the A/N, Human OCs, insane ass shenanigans, a hell of a lot of language, awesome!Prussia, Fruity Pebbles, and incessant dialogue! Look out below!**

* * *

Chapter Two

I woke up and flailed to find my clock. Something was blocking it, and I tried to shove whatever it was out of the way, and, well, it was a face.

"Hey! Don't squish my awesome face!" Prussia said, sounding very squish-faced indeed. I pulled my hand back.

"Why are you in here?"

"Well, I had to pee, so I went in the bathroom, and then I saw this little door thing, so I thought _why the hell not?_ and I opened it, and inside, there's alcohol! Can I have some?"

I frowned. His head was mostly silhouetted by the purple glow of my digital clock, yet he was so pale he glowed. "Move your face." He ducked. "No. It's two a.m. Go to sleep," I said, and rolled over.

"But I'm thirstyyy!"

"Too bad. Drink some water if you're thirsty. Or kool-aid. We have kool-aid."

He made a noise of questionable origin. Presumably it came from his mouth, but it was not an attractive noise. "Well, is it _cherry_ kool-aid?"

"What kind of kool-aid drinker do I look like?" I gripped my pillow... if he wasn't out of there in _ten seconds_...

"Ecstasy-flavored, I don't know?" He sighed and held up a glass bottle full of liquor in front of my clock. "Alas, new friend, we cannot be." Then he left the room.

"Prussia!" I shouted. "You had better put that back! It's not mine, and I didn't even know we had a door in the bathroom! It could be drugged!"

I waited for the faint "Fine!" before I went back to sleep.

* * *

I woke up to not-Prussia's-face, which was great. He wasn't in my room at all. My digital clock informed me of the time, six thirty a.m. I rolled over and promptly fell off my bed.

"Cool," I groaned from there. I waited a minute or five for the sleep to wear off before I stood up and went to the kitchen. "Food, food, food," I said under my breath. There was a noise from the living room but I ignored it, assuming that Prussia snored. I opened the refrigerator.

"Hey, chicky, I think my sleep-cycle-thing is screwed up, 'cause the awesome me woke up like an hour ago, and now I'm hyper."

I nearly decked him for appearing right behind me, but I was too sleepy to move very fast and he just stepped back. Then I registered him, and turned back to the fridge grumbling.

"What?"

"What am I supposed to do about that?" I said louder. I removed the milk from the fridge. I guessed I would have cereal for breakfast.

"You didn't have to do anything, I just looked through your bag for entertainment. You have world history? And you didn't know who I was-slash-am? What is wrong with America?"

"I'm only a sophomore. Leave me alone." I shoved a bowl and a spoon toward him.

He grinned. "Cereal? Classy."

"Fruity Pebbles." I grinned back, though still quite sleepy.

"That is so manly. I feel affirmed as a man. Fruity Pebbles for breakfast. _Yesss_."

I shook my head and handed him the box, and the milk after that.

"Awesome. And, I've gotta see this World History thing."

"We're not on - wait, you wanna go to school? Are you insane?"

He scratched his nose. "It's not like I would have to do any work. And trust me, you don't want me to get bored _here_. Instead, I'll just laugh at all the poor little high schoolers who _do_ have to do work."

I shrugged. "Okay, weirdo."

"An _awesome_ weirdo."

"Yeah. Sure," I said. We ate our remaining breakfast in silence. He finished first.

"Sooo, I don't remember, does fifteen mean you can drive?"

"Yeah, I have a permit."

"What's that?"

"I can drive with a person over twenty-one."

Prussia raised his spoon. "I'm over twenty-one!"

"Good for you. Problem is, I don't have a car."

He dropped his spoon in the bowl. "Damn. Then how do you get there? Bus? Carpool?"

"I walk." I took his empty bowl and put it in the dishwasher alongside mine.

"Well, shit. How far is it?"

"Two and a half miles."

"Uh. And how much is that?"

I frowned. "What do you mean, _how much is that_?"

"The rest of the world uses the metric system, y'know."

Right. I shrugged. "Only about ten minutes."

He sighed. "I'll just suffer through, then."

* * *

Prussia complained the whole way there. He swore quite a lot as well, so I just ignored him and rolled my eyes every so often.

When we finally arrived, he said, "This school is so ghetto."

"Uh-huh," I said. It was. We went in.

"Hey! Hildegard!" A girl I hardly knew, Lauren something, was waving us over. "And - hey, who's your friend?"

I knew better than that. She didn't care about me. I looked at him and quickly realized I couldn't say he was _Prussia_ without sounding like a complete lunatic.

But he already had a name for her. "Friedrich Hanover." He stuck his hand out enthusiastically, then pulled her close when she took it. "From _Potsdam_." His accent was atrocious. Obviously, he was purposely overdoing it. It was a little frightening.

She smiled, though mildly alarmed. "Oh, _foreign_. Are you two pen pals or something?"

"Nein, fuck buddies!"

I sighed, far too used to him saying "fuck" incessantly by then to be as thoroughly alarmed as Lauren looked.

"But threesomes are always fun." He turned to me. "Correct, chicky?"

Lauren fled as I denied it half-heartedly.

"Damn," Prussia said.

"Really, you thought you'd pick up random girl number one by suggesting a threesome?"

"Nein... but I can dream. So, where are your friends? Maybe they'll be a bit more willing."

I didn't say anything and he frowned.

"You _do_ have friends, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. I have several friends. If you can call them that. Eh, we all play with the same toys." This, apparently, was a cryptic thing to say, for Prussia just gaped at me in confusion. "I'm just trying to decide whether or not it would be safe to let you near them."

He laughed. "I always use a condom."

"That's not what I meant. Mostly." I searched the crowd for them, and found them far away, glancing at me and Prussia every so often. "By the way, why Friedrich Hanover?"

"Friedrich is the _correct_ way to say Frederick, and Friedrich der Große (Frederick the Great to you) was the best guy _ever_. Old Fritz, yeah." He paused and made a little cross with his hand to a strange look from me. "He was a Hohenzollern, but that's too hard for your poor unawesome American tongues to say, so I used his awesome mom's city of origin, Hanover." He also searched the crowd, but for what, I wasn't sure. "You have a major awesome deficit here. The hell is with all these fucking Uggs? You live in _Florida_. It's _October_. It's not even cold."

"Says the guy wearing a jacket... But you're right. Don't bother with the soapbox, it doesn't work."

"My jacket is _badass_. Okay. And Uggs... They are not."

I looked at his hoodie. It was blue (though I have no doubt he would call it _Prussian_ blue) with red pockets and black lining. They certainly weren't Uggs. "True enough."

I took a deep breath and decided that there wasn't really a whole lot of trouble Prussia could get into with my few friends.

"My friends are over there. They will _not_ take nicely to you asking for a... whatever."

He shrugged. "Tell me about them."

"Um. Emma is blonde. Charlotte's a ginger. Alejandro has glasses."

Prussia raised an eyebrow. "Those are some detailed descriptions. What's the deal with Alejandro?"

"He's cute so we keep him around." I shrugged. "It's the glasses, mostly."

He grinned. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, he's kinda like a baton in that we pass him around. He's the toy I was talking about, but he's with Charlotte right now." Or at least, that's how it looked, as they were making out with complete disregard to Emma, who was fake-gagging right next to them.

"_We?_"

"You heard correctly. I occasionally partake in passing the baton."

He laughed. "How the hell does that work?"

"This is high school. Don't question such things." As we got closer, I lowered my voice. "Of course, he was Charlotte's first kiss, so she feels most entitled. We let her have him the most, as Emma and I need the extra time to do other stuff, anyway."

"Like _what_?"

"I have work and volunteering, and Emma studies."

"I've never studied in my life," Prussia said vaguely.

"Hey, Hill!" Emma shouted. "Who's your new boy toy?"

Charlotte and Ale stopped making out long enough to look at Prussia and I. They checked me out, they checked him out, and then they continued with each other, totally stolid.

"I prefer _fuck buddy_," Prussia said in the same thick accent he used with Lauren.

"This is Friedrich Hanover," I said, pushing him toward her.

"Your stoicism is showing," she said to me. I stuck out my tongue and she turned to Prussia, pulling him closer. "She's not usually so emotionless. Normally by now she'd have groped me, stolen Charlotte's bag, and smooshed Ale and Charlotte closer together."

"I've never _smooshed_ anyone in my life," I said as Prussia laughed (or snickered? It was that "kesesese" thing). "That's a disgusting word. I do not _smoosh_."

"Notice how she doesn't deny groping and thieving." Emma hugged him and then took a step back. "So, how old are you?"

"Twenty-one," he said.

She smiled. It's not that she was into older men or anything, just people in general. "Are you still in high school? Did you transfer here?"

"Nein, I'm looking into some orgy-making, but _Hill_ said you guys would not take nicely to such a request."

His accent was almost impossible to decipher; it took Emma a moment to understand. "Nah, we're flattered. I'm sure she meant something more along the lines of _it won't happen easy_."

Emma's acid tongue (or else it was her flooz-denial) came out with that, but Prussia either didn't notice or didn't care, because he began eying Ale. Clearly he did not like what he saw.

"You'll make out with him, but not me?" he whispered. "I am _so_ much more awesome."

"You haven't asked me to _make out_ with you, one, you're, like, four hundred years older than me, two, and he's not an _ass_, three."

"Actually, I'm, like, _six_ years older than you, I am not _just_ an ass (I have a head and legs and stuff too), and make out with me?" Prussia pouted. I facepalmed.

Emma broke in. "Do it, Hill! He's cute, and if you don't, I _totally_ will."

That seemed to appease him, or else he was too surprised to actually let her. "Ja? You would?"

"Sure! I'm totally okay with letting Charlotte have Ale-"

The two mentioned broke off and she said, "Hey! What do you mean you'll _let_ me have him?"

"-Full time."

"Oh, if that's all then," she said. "_Finally_." And went back to kissing Ale.

I stared at the two of them. "I always thought they couldn't hear us when they were doing that."

"Normally, no," Emma said.

"Oye, Alejandro," Prussia said suddenly.

Ale broke off and looked at him curiously. "¿Qué?"

"¿Me podrías dejar tu lentes por un momento?"

Ale shrugged, took off his glasses, and handed them to Prussia. "Claro, pero los necesito de vuelta antes de clase."

"Ja," Prussia said absently. He held Ale's glasses up and looked through them. "Meh." He put them on. "Well?"

To be honest, my mind just promoted him from cute to sexy beast, but I was not about to say _that_.

Emma did it for me.

"Christ on a pony, get a room. It's _way_ too early for this."

None of them stopped.

"Seriously guys? You're cool."

They continued to ignore me.

"And by cool, I mean disgusting."

I shook my head, sat on the floor, and played Pacman on my phone until the bell rang and Ale took his glasses back. But Emma kissed Prussia again before running to her class, anyway.

He looked a little flushed. I rolled my eyes. "Great. Now I can't kiss Emma anymore," I said. "_You_ were in her mouth."

His jaw dropped. "Great. Now _I_ can't think anymore," he said. "You just broke my mind."

"Does my biromanticism distract you?" I wondered.

"Ja," he said. "Ja, it does. A lot... Uh, bi is awesome. Like me."

"I'm not _bi_, I'm biromantic."

"What's the difference?"

"I'm only romantic."

"And bi isn't romantic?"

"Yes, but it's not _just_ romantic."

There was silence besides the other students bustling.

"I don't think my definition of romantic and yours are the same."

* * *

**Ohmahkey**

"Spanien, is my bruder there?"

"No, I haven't seen him in a month."

"Oh. Please let me know if he shows up."

"Sí, no problemo."

_Click_.

"Big Brother Spain didn't know either?" Germany shook his head. "Ve..."

"No one has seen him in the last month, France, Austria, Hungary. Who's left that he's ever stayed with?"

"Switzerland?" Italy suggested.

"Hmm... But what about... Uhh?"

Meanwhile, in Canada... Canada sneezed.

"Hm, I don't know. I guess we'll have to try Switzerland and hope he hasn't already been shot."

* * *

**A/N again: Why do I do double A/Ns? I don't know. If I weren't so lazy, I would probably pop little A/Ns in all over the place. You like? Keep reading! This ain't over 'til the fat lady ties the knot! :D Cough cough. People get married. And it's not Hildegard, so don't worry about that. This is in no way shape or form a romance. In fact, it's hardly even a mystery. It's more of a humor/friendship thing. Whatever.**

**Translations:**

_**Ja. **_**You should know this already... That's German for "yes".**

**_Oye, Alejandro_... Hey, Alejandro**

**¿_Qué_? What?**

**¿_Me podrías dejar tu lentes por un momento_? Could I borrow your glasses for a moment?**

**_Claro, pero los necesito de vuelta antes de clase_. Sure, but I need them back before class.**

**Edit: Just how hard to understand is Prussia's fake accent? Well, copy his dialogue (one sentence at a time or it won't work) into Google translate (German-German) and press listen. That chick's accent is only a little less understandable than his fake one. (It'll only do about eighteen words at a time, so...)**

**FYI! The human OCs in this chapter will **_**not**_** be making much of an appearance after chapter four. This is mostly because they're not essential to the plot ever again. Really. I was almost not even going to give her any friends in the first place, but I was feeling generous, and I needed a reason to make Prussia wear glasses, because that's hot (yes, yes, writer's fantasy blah blah blah).**


	4. Chapter 3, He Really Likes Pancakes

**A/N! {empty!}**

**Disclaimer! I'm really excited because I own Hetalia! Oh, wait, no I don't! Damn it!**

**Warning! This is a little later than I expected! Sorry! Excessive exclamation points in the A/N! Awesome!Prussia! Human OCs! Idiot balls! Excessive dialogue! Learning! And excessive keseseses! DANCE LAUGH CONQUER! Okay, now read! :]**

* * *

Chapter Three

"What's your first class, anyway?" Prussia asked.

"HOPE."

"The hell is that?"

"Health something physical education?"

"So you run around a lot? I can deal with that..."

"Yeah, every other week."

He frowned. "This week?"

"This week we sit in a large classroom, listen to Coach teach, and do not speak, else we be forced to fail at doing strenuous physical exercise in front of our peers."

He didn't approve of this, and made me stop at a vending machine so that he could buy three bags of chips: one for me, two for himself. With my money, of course.

The idiot didn't know how lucky he was. He didn't have to pay attention. He just had to sit there. But he didn't think to open the bags before he came into the room, so now he was trying (for my sake) to open a bag of chips _quietly_. He wasn't trying hard enough and they squeaked. I gripped his wrist without looking at him. He stopped with an exaggerated sigh.

The girl on his other side (Julia or something) also had a bag, but she was trying _much_ harder than Prussia. I could barely see her hands moving.

Coach paused and suddenly left the room, one of his many eccentricities. She quickly ripped her bag open.

"_She_ did it, open it, open it!" I said to Prussia. He gave me a bemused look. Julia began cracking up to herself. I took Prussia's bag and opened it just before Coach stormed back into the room. Another such oppurtunity wouldn't have come for some time.

"I could have done that," Prussia said under his breath, slumping back in his chair. He took a chip. "This blows. When do you have world history?"

"Fifth."

"You had better be shitting me right now..."

I was quickly becoming paranoid, and for no good reason, since I could have done whatever punishment Coach set on us just fine. It was probably conditioning. I shook my head.

"What!"

As quietly as I could, I said, "I thought you were just going to laugh at us the whole time."

"I was _planning_ to, but I don't want to be forced to do manual labor! I tend to cackle loudly. Ugh. That's the other reason I'm here, so I don't have to do any work! This is a seven period day? What the fuck!"

"You've remembered how you got here?"

"Well, nein, but that's usually why I do... _things_."

"Did you have to put emphasis on it like that?"

"Ja, ja I did."

I shrugged and attempted to pay attention.

"Can I just skip and come back when something interesting happens?"

"If you can get out without him seeing you, go ahead. He tends to chase people down, though."

He sank down lower into his chair and took the bag of chips with him. "I'll leave when I finish these then."

"You could sleep, you know. He won't yell at you unless he knows your name. Which he doesn't."

"Sleep!" He exclaimed, nearly too loud. "I love sleeping!" And with that, he was out, and I was praying to god above that he would not snore.

He didn't.

Math and English went by in much the same manner, with him sleeping next to me in the back of the room, drooling (though he denied it) on the desk. By then I had made a game out of trying to hit him square in the forehead with a paper football. At the end of English, I shook him awake with little success.

"_Nein, Vati, zehn mehr Minuten_," he mumbled, trying to swat me away.

"I am not your _Vati_. Whatever that is." He didn't move. "Next class is baking. You get food."

That woke him up instantly. "Cake? Please be cake."

"Yeah, I can make cake, she doesn't care what we make as long as it's not a mess."

He trailed after me. "Then you can make pancakes?"

I snorted. "A child could make pancakes." We arrived at the Baking classroom and I led him to my seat in the back. He pushed the boy already sitting in the chair next to mine out. "There is no challenge in pancakes." The boy gave him a reproachful look, but moved up front anyway.

"Lies! _Good_ pancakes are a bitch to make!" He sprawled over the chair. "And I'll have you know that even Canada _himself_ doesn't make them perfect _every_ time. He's pretty damn close, but sometimes he's high on my awesomeness or something and totally screws them over."

"By 'high on my awesomeness', do you mean you were distracting him by doing something stupid and he ended up burning them?"

"That's what I said."

I shook my head and we waited somewhat patiently for Ms. Elliot to call roll. Half of the class was gone, as usual, but the size of the class was still about twenty-five. She had a reasonably relieved look on her face, which was far better than her constantly-stressed one she wore on the first day when almost everyone managed to show up and there weren't enough desks.

"All right, guys, just don't make any messes you can't clean up and I'll pass you." She pondered quietly as to why people would skip a class she purposely made so easy as she went to her desk to read what appeared to be one of the thinner Harry Potter books.

"Pancakes," Prussia said, interrupting my observation. "Wait, _I_ don't know how to make pancakes. What does that make me?"

"A manchild." I stood to find pancake ingredients.

He extracted himself from the chair indignantly. "The hell is that!"

"A man who acts like a child. _Duh_."

"Oh. I see how it is... You're making pancakes, right?"

I made a face in answer.

"Yes I just proved your point are you making pancakes or not? I'm hungry," he said and he pouted.

I grimaced.

"I'll help, even." I raised my eyebrows. "Maybe."

Doubtful. "Uh huh."

"A little."

Slightly more probable. "Yup."

"I'll supply the syrup."

Of course he would. "Great. You know what would be helpful?"

"A small, adorable yellow bird sitting on my head?"

Maybe it was sleep getting to him, maybe it was school getting to me, but we both just stared at each other for a second. Then I said, "No, you shutting up."

"Being silent is totally overrated, believe me, and my voice is too awesome-slash-sexy for that anyway."

I endured around twenty minutes of his backseat cooking before he managed to just hijack the whole operation. I sat up on the counter and watched him try not to burn the batter.

"You used too much water," the girl using the next burner over said.

"Fuck you," Prussia replied without looking up. "I fucking know how the fuck to fucking make fucking pancakes so fuck the fuck off."

She, like almost everyone else Prussia spoke at, looked around in astonishment before finding another burner.

"That was a little over the top. Plus she was just doing to you what you had been doing to me for the last however long."

"Fuck you also. I'm making _pancakes_. This requires _astute concentration_."

"Only if you're _you_."

He ignored me. "Something which the unawesome you clearly lacks."

"According to you, we are somehow related. What does _that_ say?"

"Says, Imma make a pancake shaped like your _face_. Then _eat it_."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, but I don't think he knew what he had just said. He just strung a few words together and spat them up. "Thank you?" I said.

"This one." In a great display of manliness, he picked up the edge of the lumpy pancake and laid it on a plate without even making a face. "Looks just like you. You and your mentally retarded implications!"

"I didn't imply mental retardation." I poked the pancake with a fork. "So, why is my "face" burnt? Should I hide the matches when we get home?"

"You have matches?" he started, but then shook his head. "I'm not supposed to play with those anymore. Nah, I just like pancakes like I like my women."

I waited for him to continue. He did not; he was making another pancake. So I said, "Burnt? You like your women burnt?" Strange fetish.

"Was?" He was not paying attention. I swear he was completely fixated on those pancakes. "Oh. Nein... Dark, small, chewy and round."

"Uh huh..." I said. We were both silent for the next seven, yes, _seven_, pancakes he made (only two of which he allowed me to have), at which point Ms. Elliot called for clean up.

"Finally!" Prussia swept off the counter with his arm and let the flecks of flour fall to the floor. After the mess he had made with the blankets I had found for him the night before, I was surprised that he managed to _not_ leave the class in shambles. "Now for the World Orgy!"

I shook my head. "Now is break."

"How long is _that_?"

"Fifteen minutes. You can eat your excess pancakes or make out with Emma or something."

"Works for me."

He was not paying attention to the teacher. He was reading my book and giggling every few seconds, like a little girl when it wasn't those "kesesese" things.

"What are you doing?" Mr. Ruiz asked Prussia about halfway through. I was getting ready to ask him myself. He blinked and did a double-take at Prussia. "And why are you in my class?"

"I'm laughing at the wording in this textbook," he answered, falling back into his thick, totally fake German accent. "And shadowing my pen pal."

Mr. Ruiz seemed to accept this. "Which wordings?"

"Everything pertaining to Germany and Italy. I am, however, a little put out that there is no mention of Prussia helping America during his Revolution. Me and - Prussia and France were totally badass to help him. He could have at least mentioned us - them."

This sent Mr. Ruiz into a longwinded but interesting lecture on the American Revolution and how France and Prussia helped. Somehow, Spain was brought into the conversation, which for some reason practically sent Prussia into convulsions next to me.

That class being the only one Prussia had wanted to come with me for, he insisted on leaving after that.

"It's only two more periods. Grow a pair. I do this every day."

He didn't like the implication that he didn't _have_ a pair. He didn't like it one bit. So he demanded that I take it back as well as give him another dollar so that he could have "food to not be bored with" (his words, not mine).

But Prussia didn't need the food. Emma was in TV Production with me, and she showed him the sound booth... the whole class. So he used the bag of cookies for Chemistry, and once he finished those, I returned to playing how-many-paper-footballs-can-I-bounce-off-of-Prussia's-head?

* * *

Ohmahkey

Germany coughed. "America, you said?"

"Uh oh," Italy said by his shoulder. "He and your fratello don't get along."

Germany nodded as Switzerland replied. "Ja, and if I'm not mistaken, he took your _bruder_ to the UK, preventing me from shooting him full of holes for traumatizing Liechtenstein."

He sighed. "I apologize for my bruder's usual drunken stupidity. How much does he owe you?"

"She claims that she's not too upset, so he owes us a meal at a place of her choosing."

"I'll let him know when I find him. Danke."

"Gerne."

* * *

**A/N refilled: I like brick jokes. **

**Did you like pseudoleeearniiinnng? Prussia sure enjoyed it. Hehe. Hetalia makes World History Honors **_**super**_**fun. Every time my teacher mentions Prussia, I squee (in my head). It's pretty awesome. /fangirl**

**Edit: From now on, the chapters will run a lot faster. Sorry for the slow start. I know the second chapter was only over the span of around thirty minutes. I realize and acknowledge that my dialogues take up a few metric **_**fucktons**_** of space. But I loooove dialogue... sigh... I'll try and make these a bit more compact here on out (less than 1500-2000 words). But I really can't make any promises...**

**PS in case you were wondering, since it's not that important, this is Hildy's schedule: HOPE, Algebra II honors, English II honors, Baking, World History Honors, TV Production, and Chemistry Honors. Her favorite class is totally baking.**

**Translations?: Danke is "thank you" in German; Gerne is "certainly" (you're welcome). "Nein, Vati, zehn mehr Minuten" is "No, daddy, ten more minutes."**

**Ummm yeah that's all. SORRY FOR MY LATENESS. There's not going to be very many more that are actually _in-class_. I'm clearly bad at them xD PEACELOVEPRUSSIA :3 sismyn out**


	5. Chapter 4, I Have The Dough

**A/N: Second week and weekend of Prussia crashing at Hildy's? Yeah sure why not. School is hard to write. T.T Probably because I hate it so much.**

**Disclaimer: I won't explode your head if you say I don't own Hetalia, 'cause I totally don't. Also, I don't own **_**I Want It That Way **_**OR **_**What I Bought On Ebay**_

**Warning! Do not read in bath tub! Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, learning (maybe), excessive dialogue, I'm really sleepy, and maybe a side of PLOT!**

* * *

Chapter Four

The rest of the week (Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) went about the same, but with less complaining and speedier pancake-making on Prussia's part. By Friday, he had made enough to give some of them up to Ms. Elliot (he said they were bribes; Ms. Elliot was not impressed enough by mere pancakes to agree) and save a few for Emma.

Each night, he hijacked my computer and attempted to log on to something. _Anything_. But every time, he got the same dragon message, and every time, I got the same virgin message.

On Saturday, I needed to restock the place with food: Prussia cooked when he was bored. Of course, that was far better than him _completely_ _stripping_ when he was bored, under the pretense that he needed to wash his clothes, because he didn't have any other clothes (no matter how many times I offered him some of my dad's clothes, nope, they simply were not awesome enough for the great _Prussia_). Luckily, that only happened... um, a few times.

Anyway, restocking. Prussia was done with my computer. _Done_. As in, he had already tried every website he could think of twice and finished swearing at my computer in every language he knew.

So when I yelled, "I'm getting food, I'll be back in like half an hour!"

He responded with, "Fuck that shit! This blows. I am so not going to stay here and die of boredom," and presently joined me in the living room to grab his hoodie.

I pointed at it. "Why do you need that?"

Prussia made a face. "'Cause I _burn_ easily, that's why! Bright red is _not_ an awesome skin color."

"Okay, if that's worse than heat stroke." I shrugged.

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, 'cause I'll get heat stroke. I'm made of _rocks_, y'know."

"You sure look like it."

* * *

Upon arrival to the nearest Publix, I found a cart that Prussia subsequently stole and rode around on. "Would you please not get me kicked out?"

He laughed at me. "I'm not gonna get you kicked out. I look like a little kid, remember?"

"Your _face_ looks like a little kid's. You are way too tall to be a little kid."

"Maybe I have a _condition_."

"Oh, you have a condition, all right. But it has nothing to do with height. I'd prefer it if you were lurking like you usually are instead of nearly hitting people every twelve feet."

"I haven't hit anyone yet!" he said, narrowly avoiding a rather large woman and pushing the cart farther.

"I didn't say you did, but I swear you're going to. I am _not_ paying for whatever you break."

Prussia ignored my warning and kept going. "Does your Dad leave you money or something? I haven't seen you go to a _job_."

"He sends me money every month," I said, pretending to examine the label of a just-add-water pancake mix box. He nonchalantly did a donut with the cart and came back towards me.

"Where is he, then?"

I shrugged. I really didn't know, and I really didn't want to.

"With your mom?"

I think I twitched. "_No_." The expletive was implied.

Prussia pursed his lips, and slowly pushed the cart backwards. He must've realized he touched on something I didn't like, because he didn't say anything for the next few aisles. This was a little unnerving since he'd been practically talking my now-awesome-by-proximity ears off the whole time he'd been there.

So I tried to conversate. "Hey, what's it like in Germany?"

"What? Oh, it's way fucking better than here. Drinking age is like eighteen for one thing. Too bad we have crappy neighbors. Austria is such a spoiled guy. Not to mention he's been married like fifty bajillion times. You can't trust a guy like that, am I right?"

I shrugged and tossed a bag of chips into the cart. "I guess?"

He picked up the chips and swapped them for a different kind. "I _am_ right! Anyway. You know who's an asshole?" He didn't even give me a chance to answer, so I switched the chips back without him noticing. "Bulgaria. Kept picking on Veneziano, which actually annoyed the hell out of Germany, which was pretty funny... But I like Italy, so, I don't like Bulgaria."

"I see."

"Oh! Beer!" he said.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, an entire aisle of it."

He stopped the cart and opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, I said, "Before you start jumping up and down and saying _can we get it please please please_, no, no we can't, unless you magically found some form of ID and the money to buy it yourself."

"I wasn't going to _jump up and down_," he said scathingly. "I was going to offer a strip tease for later. Gott. I'm not a _kid_."

"That's right. You just have a face like one."

"Damn straight!"

* * *

And Sunday was just terrible. When I left to volunteer (as I did almost every Sunday), Prussia was asleep, but when I returned two and a half hours later, I found him sitting on the edge of the bath tub (awake, as I expected), looking forlornly into the toilet. I decided not to look in the bowl.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I woke up and I felt like shit so I came in here and threw up my throat, and then my stomach, and I _think_ those might be pieces of my kidney floating around in there now. Maybe an intestine, it's been a while since I've seen someone's innards, so I'm not sure... Pretty awesome, right?"

"Uh, not really, that sounds horrible." I checked his forehead; he didn't have a temperature. He pushed my hand away with a frown.

"I feel fine _now_. It's fucking weird. I haven't been sick in at least twenty years, and now I was sick for all of two hours. I almost passed out at one point." I did not look anywhere near the toilet.

"Were you drinking or something?"

"Nein. I haven't had booze in... Hey, it's been two weeks! Boooo. Good thing I'm not an alcoholic, or I'd be all crazy up in your shit right now." He _wasn't_ already?

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Nein. But now that you mention it, I _am_ insanely hungry." He followed me into the kitchen as soon as he flushed the toilet. "Pancakes?"

I shook my head. "Crackers," I said. "What if you're really sick? Do you want to throw up pancakes?"

He pouted. "But I feel fine now, and crackers aren't _nearly_ awesome enough to satiate even a... a gerbil!"

"No."

"Don't you care for the sick at all? Don't people usually wait on the sick hand and foot?"

"Not the ones who throw up. I don't want to get sick, and I don't want you to throw up more, 'cause that's nasty."

I found a pack of saltines in the cabinet and tossed them to him.

"Fine. Can I have beer then? These suck ass."

"No, that will just make you throw up more. You can have ginger ale."

Prussia scoffed; I was half-worried that he was going to vomit. "You keep _ginger ale_ in your house? What kind of freak are you?"

"Apparently, one who keeps ginger ale in the house. What if I told you that it's Canadian?" I said, jumping a little to reach the ginger ale on the top shelf. Prussia snatched it out of my hands. Height-advantaged jerk.

"I guess that's acceptable."

He was fine the rest of the day, besides moaning and groaning about not being allowed to eat anything. He didn't throw up again, so I dragged him to school again on Monday.

He had disappeared by the first bell. I looked for him until the next bell, then gave up.

Prussia appeared in my Baking class, and when I questioned him as to where he'd gone, he claimed that he went for a walk. That was an acceptable answer.

However, I told him that if he kept making pancakes, Ms. Elliot would fail me, but she chose that moment to be passing by and announce that as long as someone was doing something cooking related, she didn't care who did the work or what it was.

That made Prussia particularly smug for the rest of the day, especially when (not?) exchanging spit with Emma. It made my paper football game far more enjoyable than usual, though.

As the week went on, however, Prussia and Emma were exchanging spit less and less. By Wednesday, she had found someone else to make out with, much to Prussia's dismay.

"Can I make out with you instead?" he asked me.

"No," I said.

* * *

On Friday, I wore a skirt. Why am I mentioning this when, in the narration of the last two weeks, I haven't mentioned clothing in detail more than twice?

Because, unbeknownst to me, Prussia _really_ likes girls (and probably people in general) in skirts. He informed me of this when we were about halfway to school by shouting, "Oh my_ fucking. god. _you are_ so. cute_!"

"Of course I am. That's a major fraction of my awesomeness."

That was something I normally said to Emma or Charlotte or Ale when I received a compliment, so I thought nothing of it. By then, he was just as good a friend as (probably even better than) they were. Saying it to Prussia, however, was not a fantastic idea. I didn't realize that until a few seconds later when he glomped me from behind and nearly knocked me over.

"Oh, crap."

"You are so Prussian! And cute! I kind of want to ravage you right now."

"I think you mean ravish."

"Isn't it the same thing?"

"No, it isn't. And, in response to your original statement, no."

Because in the middle of the street? Honestly. I tried to push him off to no avail. He didn't even notice and kept hanging off of my neck, which quickly began to hurt very much.

"Pleeease don't be a cockblocker?" he said.

"No," I said, and he pouted. I frowned back, as he still hadn't gotten off of me. So I did the logical thing and grabbed the nearest body part - his crotch.

"Hey! Ow," he said, dropping me and putting on his best puppy dog face. At least he dropped me; it really didn't seem to hurt him all that much. "You're so mean."

"Yep," I said. I continued walking.

He caught up easily, now grinning wickedly. "Which is also a trait you have because of the awesome me!"

Another fairly generic response among my friends came out of my mouth. "Screw you," I said.

Prussia grinned wider. "Sure, but right now?"

I dodged under his arm and grabbed his crotch again, then fled. I lost him just as I did on Monday, but again, I found him already in Baking preparing his usual pancakes... and apparently having stolen Ale's glasses somehow.

After school, I decided to repay Prussia's compliment. "Your boots are pretty bitchin'," I said.

He snorted. "Of course they are, my awesome has diffused into them."

"I kinda want them." I kicked some dirt in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Well, you can't have them. They're only for the most awesomest people like me." He stuck out his tongue.

"Or, you know, people with money and access to Ebay."

"I've never used Ebay."

"Really?"

"Ja. Never had a need for it."

"Huh."

And so, we spent Friday night charging his brother's Pay Pal (he couldn't get on his and I wasn't volunteering mine) with random objects to the tune of _What I Bought On Ebay_.

Ohmahkey

"I can't reach Britannien," Germany said, slamming the phone down for the third time that day.

"Ve, maybe every time you call, he's on a siesta, or tea, or whatever they do there. Try America!"

The phone loomed.

* * *

**A/N, but I wanna win: Maybe no plot? Meh, I wrote all these A/Ns and stuff before I wrote the actual chapters, no joke. I just sort of know what will happen in each one. At the moment, I know there will be over ten chapters. However, also at the moment, I am trying to win an awesome thing on Dog Wars, sooo... yeah.**

**Edit: ...yeah, there's an edit here because this is the one I'm writing while/after the story. Ebay LOL. Also, Rocky Horror LOL. I kind of totally want to write a Rocky Horror/Hetalia crossover where all the Rocky Horror characters are countries. MooMooCowtheWriter and I have discussed this. **

**Bonus genius points to whoever realizes that Prussia could very well use ravage and ravish interchangably. ;D**

**http : / / tinyurl. com/ whatiboughtonebay69 (take out the spaces, should send you to youtube)**

**PS LOL**


	6. Chapter 5, No Whores Were Harmed

**A/N: CHAPTER FIVE WHOOOO ARE YOU EXCITED? 'CAUSE **_**I'M**_** EXCITED**

**Disclaimer: Booo them, hurray Hetalia! Hurray responsibility! HURRAY, BEER! /Prussia Also, I don't own Hetaria or Catalia or Nyotalia or Hetalia.**

**Warning! Drinking under the influence may result in death! Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, less learning, NO RUBBER CHICKENS DAMMIT, excessive dialogue, choking, sluts and selective whores, and debatable plot! GOD I USE THE WORD HOWEVER A **_**LOT**_**! Pwp? lol, fauxplot HAAHAHA**

**

* * *

**

Chapter Five

And that was what happened just about every week... just about.

The next Wednesday, during break, something that didn't happen every week happened. Prussia disappeared after fourth, and Ale didn't show up, leaving Emma, Charlotte and I to converse half-heartedly among ourselves... If you can call that conversing.

We were interrupted when Prussia tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. Hey. Hey."

"What?" I said. Emma hmphed and went to put Ale, who had apparently arrived with Prussia, in a headlock (always a good source of entertainment).

He held up an empty soda bottle. "I just drank like eight sodas! So now I'm hyper and I really have to take a piss! Where are the toilets, or else quickly direct me to the nearest bush!"

I motioned for him to follow me. "They're over here. Why exactly did you drink eight sodas?"

He hit himself in the head with the bottle while trying to point at his eyes. "Ow, well, it was your glasses-wearing boy toy, _he_ thought he could outdrink _me_, _ha_!" he said. "Right, me against an _American high school_ _kid_, what an unfair competition, have I mentioned that I really need to piss?"

I just shook my head at him as we went down a side hallway. He went in, and I walked a few yards away and sat on the floor. I closed my eyes.

Despite not hearing the door open and that bathroom being a very uncommon destination, I heard footsteps two or three minutes later, just after the bell. Naturally, I assumed it was Prussia returning, so I smirked when he stopped in front of me. "That was quick."

"Hey, _slut_."

I frowned and opened my eyes.

Not Prussia. _Far_ too large to be Prussia. But I thought I might as well have some fun. "Ex_cuse_ me," I said, raising my eyebrows. "But I prefer _selective whore_, I thank you. I'm actually fairly picky about who I flip my skirts at, if you know what I mean."

Before I knew it, I was on my back; it wasn't a very far distance. It probably helped that I realized I could feel weight on my stomach and around my neck. He was trying to strangle me.

That explained who he was. I'd heard about him from girls (admittedly, real life self-proclaimed "whore-and-proud-of-it" sluts, not sarcastic people with no dignity around strangers they'll never see again like myself... bad metaphor) who had come to class late, SLUT written across their forehead in shiny silver sharpie and the most traumatized expressions. They all claimed to have been choked until they passed out.

Needless to say they didn't slut around much after that.

But why me? Stupid question. It was probably the selective whore thing, or else waiting in front of the less-used guys' bathroom despite normally only occasionally having one male friend.

I knew I couldn't throw him off, so I thought it'd be best to let him think he had me, then kick him where it hurts... though in hindsight, that would probably _not_ have helped my case at all.

I pretended to lose consciousness and could practically hear him smiling. He sat up a little, probably to find his sharpie or else just to crush my stomach a little more (if so, it worked), and I readied my knee.

However, my knee was unneeded, as just as I thrust my knee toward his groin, he flew off of me with a squeal. Prussia pulled me up. He looked _extremely_ pissed. "You all right, chicky?"

I made a face at him. "Yeah. I mean, my throat hurts a little," I said. "Duh. But I'm-"

He forced my chin up to look at my neck. I guess he saw something because he narrowed his eyes. "I'll kick his ass," he muttered. "Meine eigenen Verwandten, who the hell does he think he is?"

"Uh, I was just about to kick his ass, but-"

"Oi. Is he your pimp or something, slut?" the choker asked. He was on his feet again. He was at least six feet tall, and I couldn't help but wonder how the heck Prussia had thrown him and how the heck he hadn't killed those other girls.

"Damn straight! And you know one thing pimps like me hate? When a favorite bitch gets hurt. And if you don't get out of my sight _right this fucking second_, I will introduce your ass to Hell's fury."

The kid didn't move. Prussia started forward. I grabbed his wrist. He almost pulled me along with him. "_What_?"

"That is completely unnecessary."

"But he could have killed you," he whined.

I rolled my eyes. "He mistook me for someone else. You certainly didn't help with that. He hasn't killed anyone yet. "

"Fuck them, he _could_ have killed _you_. Equal retribution, come on. I'll just beat him a little closer to the end of his life."

"No." Behind Prussia's back, the choker looked inveritably displeased. He didn't notice the warning glare I shot him as he was too busy thinking undoubtedly unholy thoughts at Prussia, clenching and unclenching his fist.

"But he's _stupid_," Prussia said. "What if I just cut an arm off or a few fingers? I've got a sword - look-" and out of nowhere, he pulled out a shiny rapier. I gasped and backed away. "See?"

"Where did _that_ come from?" I said.

He nonchalantly swung it around at his side. "My hammerspace, _duh_."

"Then put it back! You'll get blood all over the place, and this school has enough blood all over the place as it is!"

Prussia did so, reluctantly. "I guess it would be _too_ unfair. I'll just beat him up like a normal."

"Only if I get to help," I said.

He rolled his eyes, said, "You were doing such a _fantastic_ job before," and turned around.

"I was _about_ to-"

Prussia cut me off. "Where'd he go?"

"What?" I looked over his shoulder; the choker was gone.

"Where. did. he. go?" he said slowly.

"How would I know?"

He sighed dramatically. "I'll just have to hunt him down then."

"Why is that the only other option?" Prussia was already in stalker mode. "Hey! It's not worth the energy we'd have to expend to find him!"

"It's not often I have a legitimate excuse to beat the shit out of someone," he said. "Wooorth ittt."

"Oh _come on_."

* * *

Ohmahkey

"Ehh, who is this?" Germany heard America yawn, and almost yawned himself.

"This is Germany. I'm looking for my bruder. Switzerland informed me that you took my bruder somewhere."

"Oh ummm yeah about that. Iggy was supposed to call you about that. I think. Maybe I was... Meh. Anyway, Iggy sent him to Florida."

Germany stared at the opposite wall in confusion. "What do you mean, _Iggy sent him to Florida_?"

"W-Well, England used a magic spell thing and sent him t-to a girl who also happens to live in Florida."

"Why Florida?"

"It wasn't really... a matter of "place", it was a matter of, well, _Iggy_ told me to say a Ger...German-sounding name, and the first one I thought of was Hildegard Schmeling, and... apparently she lives in Florida."

Germany frowned. "And you aren't _worried_ about this Hildegard girl?"

"No?" He didn't see why he needed to be concerned.

"Who is apparently stuck with _my bruder_?" America shrugged, but Germany couldn't hear the over the phone and continued. "As in _Prussia_?"

"Oh! Yeah! No, I have people for that!" he said cheerfully. "Thanks for calling!"

"Wait! Where-" Germany started, but America had already hung up. He put the phone down and sighed.

* * *

**A/N of Excitement: Laaame. Lamelamelame. But you read it, so good for you! Or you skipped down here, I don't know. Either way, I'm happy for you and your little dog too! Speaking of little dogs... Incoming shenanigans!**

**Edit: OMG WHAT'S HE GONNA DO? Well, you're asking the wrong person. THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS review and tell me what you want him to do~ Then you guys can be the crowd of people shouting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT or the crowd of people who get in the way with all your beastly talking! Heh heh heh. Or, take a third option, though I have no idea what it could be. Oh wait yes I do, but probably no one will suggest it because no one **_**really**_** likes OCs *cough*. ;D It's a choose-your-own adventure but with more people! If you people vote enough the next one'll come out eeeearllllyyyyyy as in, this weekend. :D And yes then there will be another one on Tuesday/Wednesday hopefully uhhh yup! 'Cause seven is done. Six, on the other hand, still needs a little work. Obviously. xD **

**So yeah, for those of you who just TL;DR'd that, basically I want you to review, tell me what you want Prussia to do (leave the guy alone, beat him up, et cetera), and if there are enough votes that it OBVIOUSLY outdoes the other options, or if I feel like it, you'll get a bonus/early chapter AND one on next Tuesday/Wednesday! Depending on how I feel like. xD kthxbai :3**


	7. Chapter 6, With Bonus Content!

**A/N: Shenanigans spotted. I bet if you put together the first letter of every A/N and then unscrambled them, you'd have a bunch of a's.**

**Disclaimer: Hetalia has two a's, and I have none. Therefore, **_**I**_** do not own Hetalia.**

**Warning! You can feel the horses under the hood! Human OCs, shenanigans, awesome!Prussia, bfd, debatable plot, description porn (not real porn, pornpornporn HA) as usual, words, lies in the warning are a standard procedure, and, as always, excessive dialogue. **

**LONGLONGLONG fiiiiive meeeteeeers looong omfg I cannae beeeliiiieeeeeeve ittttt! ;D ...The chapter. I was talking about the chapter! It is super long. :3 That's why this bonus chapter is a day later than I said. 'Cause it's EXTRA LONG. Also because you guys suck at voting. I had TWO votes, and they were from people I know in real life. xP Oh, well. That's all right. Because now I have THIIIIS. Kay, you can read now. :P**

* * *

Chapter Six

As it turned out, Prussia's so-called hammerspace had a lot of somewhat random shit in it. He pulled two pith helmets, a spear, and a torch out of no where.

The late bell rang as he gave me one of the helmets and the unlighted torch.

"What is the point of this?" I demanded.

"Just aesthetics. That's the closest I've got to safari helmet thing so that will have to do. I won't use any pointy objects once I find him," he said, still running down the hallway. He opened his door, stuck his head in, then backed out before the people inside could notice (as if they'd care). "Man, this is gonna take ages!"

"It was your idea! Take your stupid helmet back!" I shook it at him. He ignored me and opened the next door. "Prussia! This isn't some kind of dungeon crawler!"

"Fuck no, Imma find that bastard! He can't have gotten far!"

"Is that even - whatever! You made me late to World History!"

"Pfft, whatever yourself, Ruiz likes me! If the awesome me talks to him, he won't mark you."

True enough.

I just followed him for a while, worried that he would start breaking down doors and smashing things. After about ten minutes, Prussia appeared to be lost.

"Where the hell are we?" he asked.

"The band hall," I said, looking around. "The office is down that way."

"Well, fuck that way then, bastard can't be that stupid," he said, turning back.

"Wait," I said.

"What?"

I dug my cell phone out of my bag, but not before throwing Prussia's stuff back to him.

"You don't like my pith helmet?"

"Nope." I texted Emma. If anyone on my contact list knew who the guy was, it was her.

"They make you taller, you know." He was wearing his, and he was indeed a few inches taller.

"Yeah? Your face still looks like a kid."

He stuck out his tongue.

Emma answered my text by mocking how I never text anyone, followed by a name: Chris Torosian.

"Chris Torosian."

"I don't give a flying fuck about his name. Is that what we stopped for?" He started to walk awake again, but I pulled him back, or tried to. I couldn't even budge him.

"No, we're going to go to the office, pretend to be his parents or something and find out where he's at."

He stopped accidentally dragging me along. "Oh." He returned the spear, the torch and his helmets to where they had come and followed me to the office.

I don't want to talk about the fight. I think he called it his "rape face", but whatever it was, it was _terrifying_. It was almost traumatizing. All I'll say is that I haven't seen Chris since then, and there are now more sluts roaming the halls of my school than ever.

After the fight, Prussia wanted to go home. It took some wheedling, but as I had already missed fifth and sixth, I decided we might as well. As soon as we were through the door, my phone was ringing. I checked the caller ID. It was Johnny Kaminski, my upstairs neighbor.

"Hey, Johnny what's-"

He interrupted me, shouting, "He's outside your door!"

My phone was on the floor hardly before he got it out. "I'll be right back!" I shouted over my shoulder as I pushed Prussia out of the way. Thank god he gave. "Entertain yourself!"

I looked left and right. He was still coming down the staircase, not quite to my door. I dashed after him, but he turned tail and ran down the stairs. "Crap!" I took the stairs two at a time. "Hey! Get back here!"

He ignored me and kept running, though he stopped every few yards, probably just to mock me, because when he saw me, he kept running. This continued for far too long - at least half an hour - before he stopped a moment too long and I tackled him. But he was strong for his height, and it took some wrestling to get him down.

"You animal," I said, frowning as I sat on him. He smiled nonetheless, as he had been this whole time. "Come."

He followed me back to the apartment. I pulled out my cellphone for the second time that day (more than I usually use it in a month) and called Johnny. "I got him," I said.

"Thank you. Could you watch him until seven? I was trying to head out when he ran past me."

"Sure thing, man," I said. "Go ahead on out."

"Thanks again. I'll pay you when I come get him," he said. He hung up.

I looked back.

"Are you gonna be good?" I asked.

He just smiled as he followed me into my home. I picked my phone up off the floor, and when I stood back up, he was gone.

"The hell is that? Did you let a fucking horse in?"

I found him, and Prussia, in the bathroom, seated on the edge of the bath tub - or at least, he _had_ been. Said "horse" knocked him over into said bath tub. It was now licking his face.

"Well, I let _you_ in here, didn't I? So I thought, _why not_?"

He grunted and wrestled the "horse" until he was hugging it to his chest and out of the tub. It continued to lick his chin.

"This is a dog!"

I laughed. "S'not a horse."

"Wait a second..." He pushed the giant fawn-colored Great Dane away, but it jumped right back onto his lap, trying to lick his face. "Clifford, the big red dog?"

I shook my head. "Look closely."

"I think I'm pretty damn close as it is," he said, but Prussia grabbed ahold of the dog's muzzle and managed to hold him back long enough to see its face. He gasped. "Scooby-Doo?"

"Bingo. He's Johnny's dog. I'm doggy-sitting him until seven." I looked around. The window was open, but the light was off. "So. What were you doing in here? Or do I want to know?"

"Throwing up in an unawesome fashion," he said, frowning and scratching Scooby's ears. "Again. Weirdly enough. Maybe I've been on and off sick."

"How long after I left did it start this time?"

Prussia stuck out his tongue. "Like five minutes. I don't know. I wasn't exactly keeping track."

I pulled him up off the floor. "Just like when I went to volunteer. That is so weird."

"Ja. Just like that. And now I'm fine." He rubbed his chin, then stroked a long, pointy imaginary beard.

I laughed. "Wow. So you get sick when I leave, but you're fine when I come back? Really weird..." I thought about it for a moment, then came up with the other weird thing that came with him. Besides Prussia, obviously. "Do you think it has to do with the dragon-virgin thing?"

"Maybe. Man, dragons just make me think of UK, yuck, and China, more yuck. And sometimes Japan, he's all right."

"UK? United Kingdom?"

"Uh-huh..." He seemed to go into thought for a moment, but I must have been mistaken, because then he picked up Scooby, grinning, and slung the poor dog over his shoulder. "Can I play with this?"

"As long as you don't hurt him," I said.

"What? Me? Hurt a dog? Nein! I loooove dogs." As if to demonstrate this fact, he squished Scooby against his chest in a hug. "Dere shooo cuuuute. Kesesese."

I rolled my eyes.

* * *

**Double break lol (If I wanted more chapters, I could have broken up this one, but I don't care.)**

* * *

Gym, on outside days, consisted of running around the track five times. Prussia ran (hardly - he was more jogging than anything, _and_ he was still wearing the same thing he wore (and washed) _every day_) backwards in front of me.

For the most part he demanded to know why I didn't normally wear shorts so short, but he also pretended to be a sort of drill sergeant nasty. He called me virtually every derogative in the book and then proceeded to call me German derogatives and had probably proceeded to made-up ones by the time we rounded the third start.

"Give it a rest, would you?" It was kind of annoying. I was also slightly concerned he would pass out from lack of oxygen or something. "How can you run and shout like that at the same time, anyway?"

"I'm awesome!"

"Sure," I said. I was _also_ annoyed at how easy it was for him.

"I am! And seriously, why _don't_ you wear those shorts on a daily basis? You're fucking hot!"

"Because it's too cold inside, for one thing! Then there are eyerapists! You think I wanna get eyeraped on a daily basis? I have a healthy amount of eyerape as it is!"

It was hard not to shout when he was shouting, but no one else really cared. A look here or there, but nothing too unusual with Prussia around.

"Around the house, at least! Cut me some slack!"

"No! There are enough semi-naked people there as it is!"

"Aww, are you referring to me?"

"No, I meant Scooby," I said with the best sarcasm I could muster. Breathless sarcasm wasn't as effective.

"That is weird," he said. "But true."

When we finished the laps, I punched him in the shoulder for being an ass, to no effect but hurting my own hand. Soon after his rant about being "made of fucking rocks," we went in, and he had to wait outside the girls' locker room... much to his dismay.

"Let's go," I said. He quickly took the lead, muttering something and grinning. "What'd you say?"

"You want my booody."

I rolled my eyes. "Yep. How'd you figure it out?" I said.

He stopped walking and I nearly ran into him. Prussia frowned. "You and your sarcasm are _very_ not nice."

"Yep." I walked around him. I caught his pout as I passed and rolled my eyes. "Come on."

"Fine, maybe I will," he said, pushing in front of me and walking much faster. Goody, a pissy fit.

"Hey, Prussia."

He stopped and turned again. "Waaas?"

"Come here," I said, indicating the air next to me.

"Nein." He walked away.

"But _Prussiaaaa_!" Using his own tactics against him usually worked.

"Nein, you're just going to mock my awesomeness."

I grimaced. "Well I'm _sorry_, but I _love_ to terrorize cute people."

He turned and stared at me for a moment, no doubt calculating the legitimacy of my statement, then his face split into a grin.

"Apology accepted, even though you used the word _cute_ instead of _awesome_ or _sexy_ or _most magnificent ever_ as I so much more clearly am."

"Yeah, but I don't want your head to get any bigger," I said. Despite his words, I was not quite forgiven. "We're gonna be late. I still want to be able to drag you through doors. If I said something like that, you would never fit."

Prussia shrugged and turned, but I didn't let him get very far before a spontaneous piggy-back ride occured.

"Happy now?" I said, mouth near his ear. "A non-sarcastic response for - Prussia?" He wasn't moving much besides breathing and looking at the floor. "Pruuussiaaa? Hey, wake up, or we really will be late!"

"Was? Oh. Hill? When'd you get here? And why the _hell_ are you on my back?"

I scrutinized him for a moment before deciding he was perturbed by my sudden attack. I laughed. "You are _so_ cute!"

He seemed to be fixed, because he put his arms under my legs to hold me up. "I'm _awesome_, not _cute_. Stop saying that. You'll ruin my rep."

"Nope, you're cute, _cute_, 'cause you got all flustered and that's _adorable_!"

He pouted and looked away, totally not helping his case. "Awesome people such as myself do not get _flustered_."

"Sure they do," I said. The bell rang, and I sighed. The hall was empty. "What would you say to me if I did that?"

The correct answer, of course, was _the same damn thing_, but he instead mumbled something in German I didn't catch.

I put my chin down on his shoulder. "Would you say that again in English, please?"

"Doesn't matter, 'cause you don't get embarassed anyway. Also flustered is a stupid word."

"Yeah?"

"Ja, and I don't want to carry you _and_ your books, they're really fucking heavy."

Well, that was too bad for him. I enjoyed _flustering_ him (as I said, terrorizing cute boys is a sort of a hobby of mine). I couldn't keep up with him physically, and though I hate to admit it, he had a few hundred years on me in the intelligence department, so it was the only thing I really had going for me. "We're already late. You might as well take your time."

Like I weighed anything to him anyway.

"Fine then," he said, and walked without even a hitch, as I'd suspected he would. "So, where are we going again?"

"106. Mathy math."

He groaned. "Can't you skip it today?"

"Hm. I guess. Let me down," I said, and jumped down when he stopped. "And where do you propose we go?"

Prussia grinned. "Ice cream!" Predictable.

"Okay, home first for money."

He immediately headed for the rear school exit. "Nah, let's just go."

"And do what?" I demanded as I hurried after him.

"Get ice cream, _duh_."

"And what will we _pay_ with?"

He tapped his jeans pocket. "Sexual favors."

That depended. "Yours or mine?"

"Both, _also_ duh. I want the biggest most expensive ice cream concoction available."

I rolled my eyes. "My house, now."

He stopped just before the last door. "What, you're going to prostitute yourself out to me for money now?"

"You have money?"

"Did you just answer my question with a question?"

"Did you just answer _my_ question with a _completely unrelated_ question?"

We stared each other down until I, clearly being the more mature one in this situation, said, "Do you have money or not?"

"Ja, I do," he said, and patted his jeans pocket again. "But are you going to prostitute or not?"

"No," I said, "You wouldn't follow through anyway."

"What are you talking about? Like the mounties, I always get my man!.. woman!.. prostitute!"

"But that doesn't - we just had this conversation!" I pushed the door open. "We're never going to get back in time for third at this rate!"

"Then let's skip the rest of the day! Let's throw a party or something!"

"Affirmative on your first statement, but a big fat negative on the last. We don't have the room, supplies, or people for that. And you're doing all the work I miss."

"That's all right." He stretched his arms behind his neck. "I'll just Google the answers. First thing to pop up is what I'll scribble in."

Yeah, because the first thing is _always_ correct. "Never mind then, I'll just do it myself. I don't need you and your Googled German scribbles."

"You're just jealous of my awesomeness." He smirked. "But that's what I thought you'd say."

I flipped him off, and that showed him! Actually, he just looked at me funny. (I now know that wielding the middle finger in the Americas is translated to European as a reverse peace sign meaning _up yours._)

"If you're done with whatever the fuck you were just doing, I want some fucking ice cream now. Or ice cream cake! Even more fucking awesome!"

I shook my head. "Nice f-bomb. Baskin Robins it is."

The ice cream went well, unless I were to include that Prussia tried to order beer, and when they told him they didn't have any, he demanded to know why they wouldn't give his awesomeness beer... But I'm just not going to include that.

"Now what?" I asked him.

"Let's go back to your place!" His grin, abnormally loud voice, and the fact that he just ate half of the cake he bought (the rest, minus the piece he so graciously allowed me to pay him back for, was in a box I had been coerced into carrying) pointed to a sugar high.

"We're not having a party."

"Nope," he agreed, and suddenly I was being pulled down the sidewalk. "No, we are gonna watch an awesome movie!"

"What movie? If it's porn-"

He stopped in front of a Blockbuster. "Nein, nein. It's not porn, though that is a totally viable idea that I will save for the future!" He made to push open the door. "Actually, the statues are clothingless, but it's not _porn_. I've never watched America's version, maybe he edited it out for your Puritan eyes."

"I'm not a Puritan."

He shook his head and said, "I recall that you do not have sex ever. That makes you a Puritan. But I meant America as a whole." He dragged me over to the Classics section.

"No, it doesn't. And even as a whole, I am still not a Puritan," I said. Prussia had found the R's and, hiding the title from me, picked up a DVD case.

"Right, that's still not what I meant, but you _are_ Prussian-slash-awesome, so I'm sure you can handle it!"

"What _is_ it?"

"A surprise!"

"That sounds like a stupid movie."

"Pffft. Nein, I mean, you aren't going to know until I push play and it starts."

He took out his wallet and pulled out a blue card. "Hey, do you take German cards here?"

"Probably, let me try it," said the guy behind the counter. He took Prussia's card.

"Where'd you find that?"

"My hammerspace, duh!"

"Where the sword and the helmets and the torch and the spear came from?"

"Ja, I guess you could also call it my weaponspace. Or my randomshitspace. My huntspace?"

"Please stop saying space. You're killing the few brain cells I have left after hanging out with you."

He laughed. "Who needs brain cells? Then you have more space in your brain space for your other space-taking shit!" He was doing it on purpose now. "Hell, if I'm the one causing you to lose brain cells, I must have already lost all of mine because I'm so awesome, and that's where _my_ hammerspace is."

"Okay, sure. Could you at least tell me how long the movie is?"

Prussia thought about it. Less the actual time and more whether or not he would tell me. "Like an hour and a half. But we're watching it twice."

"_Why_?"

"Because it's that awesome! And you have to watch it twice or you will not understand the audience participation."

"I have volunteering at five."

"It's noon."

"I have to walk there," I told him. "It's an hour away. I like to get there a little early."

"You like getting _everywhere_ a "little early"." He pouted. "Stay with meee."

"I signed up for today a month ago. It would be rude to back out now. And what would the puppies think?"

"P-_puppies_?"

"Yes." I rolled my eyes. "I volunteer for an animal shelter. There are also kittens."

"Well shit! We better get home so you can watch this and then take me with you to the puppies! I wanna see the puppies!"

* * *

Rocky Horror Picture Show. So bad/sexy, it's good.

I almost wanted to back out of volunteering to watch it again, but Prussia wanted to go.

"So, why do you volunteer for an animal shelter and not, like, a soup kitchen, since you like cooking and stuff?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"'Cause I said so." I had already said too many words similar to him that day, and I didn't particularly want to say anymore. Cute boys was one thing... a minor obsession with all things cute was an entirely different matter.

"That's a shitty reason. Tell meee."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you'll glomp me like with the skirt, and that hella hurt."

"I won't glomp you. Glomp, what the hell is that? Won't do it, sounds sttupid. Just tell me!"

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. The animals are really cute. They have dogs and cutes and - _liar_!"

"Sorrry," he said from near my neck, completely unapologetic.

"Get off of me," I said. I pushed at him with the usual zero effect.

"Nein." Then he picked me up, somehow.

"Prussia! Put me down!"

"Nope. Imma carry you."

"Fine," I said, once I was properly on his back. "But you'll regret this."

"I don't see how-"

I bit his ear and he hissed.

The shelter I volunteered for was very small, and adopted their bigger animals out in pet specialty stores. In other words, their cats and puppies.

Usually, I managed to avoid having to work with the bigger puppies; if I worked with them (read: played and ignored everyone else) for too long, I'd want them badly enough to call my dad, who would only shut me down.

So far so good.

There were three puppies, all from the same litter, and all lab mixes, and then there was a scattering of kittens and cats that everyone was too distracted by the puppies to look at. I felt bad for them, and let Prussia stay in the pen with the puppies while I pet the kittens.

Two of the puppies got adopted. I filled out the forms and checked the prospective owners' backgrounds, and they were gone. Two kittens and a cat left in much the same manner.

Prussia was hoarding the last puppy so that no one could see it. The puppy was totally black, and was clearly going to be huge, as determined by his enormous sixteen-week-old puppy paws. His name was Bandit on his papers.

He brought him over to me, holding him like a baby.

"Prussia, you have to let other people see him so that he gets adopted. We _want_ him to get adopted."

He pouted and held the puppy up near his face. "_I_ want to adopt him."

"Where the hell did you get money?"

He ignored this. "He is too badass to be adopted by anyone less awesome than the Kingdom of Prussia!"

"And where do you think you're going to keep him, anyway?"

"He can sleep with me! I'll take care of him. You don't have to do anything."

"But we have carpets." I knew I wasn't going to win. I couldn't say no to both of them _together_.

"He hasn't peed in here at all. Look, he wuvs you," he said, pushing Bandit towards me and letting him lick my face.

"Fine fine," I said, laughing and pushing him away. "All right, but you had better take good care of him."

"Yeah, yeah, it's not that hard _mein gott_ I've had dogs before! Where do I sign?" he asked.

I raised my eyebrows. "How are you going to sign something with a puppy in your arms?"

"Mouth," he said, baring his teeth. He chomped at nothing for a moment, then said, "Stick a pen in my mouth and I'll sign."

"No." I found the papers and a pen, then held out my arms. "Give me the dog."

Prussia huffed, but handed Bandit over and picked up the pen. "What's his name, anyway? Is it worthy of my awesomeness and his badassery or will I have to change it?"

"Bandit."

"Meh, not bad. It can be his nickname. But you know what's awesome _and_ badass? _New Prussia_. Hells yes."

* * *

Ohmahkey

England finally answered. "Ello? Germany?"

"Ja. Look, I just wanted to-"

"Prussia's fine," he said before Germany could go on. "He's in Florida."

"I know. America told me, however, I would like to know where _specifically_. I don't want him to do anything stupid."

"I'm afraid you're a bit late for that."

"I don't want him to do anything of _further_ stupidity," Germany corrected.

"I'm sure he's fine. He's been there for two weeks, right? America would have noticed anything too drastic."

"Ja, but I still want to know where he's at."

England frowned on the other end of the line. "Well, I suppose. I sent him to a girl named Hildegard Schmeling. I have determined that her location is near a city called Tampa Bay, but I don't know much more than that."

Germany sighed. "Perhaps it would be better if you just brought Prussia back. I like to keep an eye on him, so he doesn't get in trouble."

"Er..."

"You can do that, _ja_?"

Germany awaited the answer with dread.

* * *

**A/N to the sixth: My warnings are getting thicker, and Leon is getting larrrrger! Who the hell is Leon? Go watch Airplane. There are an innumerable number of references around here in the A/Ns. And yes, I do believe that was an oxymoron. (Maybe not. Maybe it was just a stupid wording. Who knows?)**

**My friends, we near the end. Or a new character introduction. (More OCs? Avast ye!) Something something something, mutter mutter.**

**Edit: HAPPY PI DAY ;D Edit edit: In my word document, it said this chapter was right around 4.3K words. I stuck it in here, and now it's 5K! WTH! XD**


	8. Chapter 7, A Discovery Or Three Or Seven

**A/N: The End? Hehe. Story is not as long as it appears. Scrollbar is misleading... and excessive dialogue is excessive. Soz.**

**Disclaimer: Hetalia does not exist under my name.**

**Warning! Human OCs, crazy shit, awesome!Prussia, mockseductive!Prussia, incessant eye rolling, Hildy's daddy, pizza, shot gun with no bullets, actual plot, and some nausea! Excessive dialogue is a given! See a doctor if you have pre-existing conditions like awesome!Prussia overload or an erection lasting four or more hours (or some strange combination thereof). Please don't sue me. And I know most of you guys don't read these, so I can put whatever the hell I want here. HAHAHAHAHAHA.**

* * *

Chapter Seven

Bandit settled in... on my couch. Though by then, it was _Prussia's _couch, definitely.

By the looks of it, however, Bandit was going to take up much of the space. While he slept, Prussia and I were in my room, on my bed, trying to figure out why he got sick, and why he couldn't reach anyone. We weren't getting much of anywhere. Prussia liked to mock my friends by talking like them, and he liked listing off all the names of countries he claimed to have had "affairs" with. It was rather distracting.

As I pushed him off my bed, I heard the front door open and sat straight up.

"Hildy?"

"DAD!" I shouted in surprise. Prussia sat up on the floor, brushing off his shirt. "Oh, _shit_."

"Your dad's here?"

"No, I randomly shout patrimonial terms while in my bedroom." He laughed. I was not amused. "Listen, we're studying, okay?"

"The awesome me, studying? Unlikely," he said. I glared at him. "What? Everyone loves the awesome me... except for weirdoes who don't, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Normals usually like me."

If he didn't scare them off first. "Reassuring," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Is this Johnny's dog?" my dad called.

"No!"

"Is there someone else here, then?"

"Yeah!"

My dad didn't say anything for a moment. Then he shouted, "Dodge and weave, Hildy! I'll find the shotgun!"

"Hildy? Kesesesese," he said.

I rubbed my forehead. "It's fine, Dad! We're just studying!"

He came in my room with said shotgun resting on his shoulder. He frowned.

"Name?"

"Friedrich Hanover," Prussia said bouyantly. (I don't know how he did it, either, but he did.)

"Why are you down and she, up?"

"She pushed me off," he said, sticking out his tongue at me.

"What are you studying?"

"World History," I said. My dad set the shotgun on the wall as Prussia sat back on my bed.

My dad whipped out his techy Android phone and started typing into it. A moment later, he picked up the shotgun again. "A person named Friedrich Hanover doesn't exist."

Prussia leaned on his hand. "Well, shit."

"Dad, he came over from Germany recently."

"Such a person still doesn't exist."

There was a tense silence. I wasn't sure what to do. My dad was deliberating whether or not to just shoot Prussia, and Prussia was yawning and clearly waiting for something to happen.

"Hey, do you know America?" he asked suddenly.

My dad rolled his eyes, a habit he got from me. "Of course I know America, I _live_ here."

"I mean blond hair, blue eyes, glasses, America?" He mimed having glasses, then stuck a finger out on his forehead to represent a hair.

He blinked. "Oh. Him. Yes, I know him. How do _you _know him?"

"I'm a nation too! Awesome Kingdom of Prussia. Making your normal house a jillion times more awesome since three weeks ago."

"Yes?" My dad considered him, then put the shotgun down against the wall again, though a bit reluctantly. "You've been here for three weeks?"

"Yup, and for some reason I can't leave, something to do with the fact that you guys are Prussian, so, yeah."

My dad stared at him for a moment. He touched his phone again, but this time, he called his boss and said, "What does Prussia look like?"

I couldn't hear her talking but my dad snorted a moment later. "Yes, that's him."

"See, I told you," Prussia said.

My dad held up his hand for quiet, and Prussia huffed. I smacked him in the shoulder to no more effect than him glaring at me.

"Yes. I don't know. Says he can't leave."

There was a longer pause during which my dad frowned. Prussia sneezed. I could tell he was beginning to get insanely bored, which of course is never good.

"No," my dad said, then covered his phone and turned to Prussia. "Have you _tried_ leaving?"

"Yeah, I got all unawesomely nauseous and fell over once I couldn't see _Hildy_ anymore," Prussia said.

"I'll never live that down, will I?" I asked.

He stuck out his tongue at me. I took that as a no.

My dad returned to talking on the phone. "He gets sick and falls over when she's out of sight."

I heard the sound of a zipper, but it was only Prussia taking off his hoodie. "It's _really_ hot in here. Because of my awesomeness, obviously," he whispered.

"You had _better_ keep your damn pants on," I said. "I swear, if you even-"

"She's on to me!" he said, chucking his jacket at my head. I ducked and it landed on the floor behind me. My dad didn't even notice.

I somehow managed to prevent Prussia from stripping further, and the next time my dad looked over at us, I was sitting on him.

"Hildy, get off of him," he said.

"I'm just making sure he can't do anything stupid which would result in you shooting him."

My dad shrugged and returned to talking on the phone.

"This is so hot," Prussia muttered. But he shifted and nearly threw me off anyway. I dug my knees into his side (a little, it was more like trying to straddle a boulder).

"Don't even think about it."

"Killjoooy." He tried to move again, then stopped. "Actually, this isn't so bad. You know, Canada would do this kind of thing sometimes. Then again, he would also throw me across the room sometimes, so... ja."

"Canada?"

"He loves to top. But who wouldn't? I'm awesome anywhere. Top, bottom, upside down, middle, left-"

"Prussia. _Shut up._" I squinted down at him. "You and Canada?"

"Ja! He's reaaally cute." He put his arms under his head as a pillow. "What, you don't believe the awesome me?"

"You said the same thing about, hm, France Spain Italy Austria Mexico Switzerland Poland Lithuania Romania Japan Ukraine England Belarus Sweden Finland Denmark Netherlands Belgium..." I paused to regain my breath. "Um... I don't think I've even named them all, so at this point, you're sort of stretching it."

"Well, but it's true!"

I shook my head. "Liiies."

"No." He frowned. "Unless I'm somehow more awesome without all my conquests? Kesesese. Or are you jeeealous?"

"Yeah. Totally." I rolled my eyes.

"I sense sarcasm," he said, finally pushing me off and stealing a pillow.

Before I could retort or get smashed in the face with my own pillow, my dad finished his conversation with his boss and returned his phone to his pocket. "Sooo. I still don't want you alone with my daughter." He muttered something about "the bad touch trio".

Prussia chose to open his big mouth. "We prefer "the Bad_ Ass_ Trio", and me and her haven't even done anything. Unless you count-"

I interrupted him by decking him in the chest.

"Biiiitch," he whispered.

_Finally_, I got a reaction (other than amusement or mock-pain) from hitting him! And also a slightly-more-maimed-than-usual hand. I pretended that this was not the case and scolded him. "Are you trying to get yourself killed, making things up like that?"

"I'm an awesome nation, that little gun can't hurt me!"

He pointed at the shot gun, which was at least as long as his arm.

"And what about when _that little gun_ blows your head to bits, Mister _Dissolved_ Nation?"

He looked hurt. "Shut up!"

I'd have been a bit more sympathetic if he wasn't likely to get shot at the time... "No you!"

My dad cleared his throat before Prussia could come up with a "witty" comeback. "I think if you went with me, it would work."

"No - Went where?" Prussia said blankly.

"To the airport. I'll take you back to your brother or whoever."

He stuck out his tongue. "Ew, no, he'll make the awesome me do boring _work_. I _like_ doing nothing productive. It's _fun_."

"Whoever, it doesn't matter, I'd just prefer that you weren't alone with Hildy."

"Aw, all right, fine. Spain then. He'll give me a ton of alcohol and won't try to molest me like France would. I'm suffering from alcohol withdrawal." Prussia stood and picked his hoodie up off the floor.

I followed them out to the living room, frowning at my dad as Prussia picked Bandit up off the couch and wrapped him in his hoodie.

"We can celebrate your birthday tomorrow, all right, Hildy?" my dad said.

That was the day before! Oops... I obviously didn't care all that much, but it was better that my dad didn't have any more opportunities or motives to shoot Prussia. "Yeah, sure."

"What? Chicky, it's your birthday?"

Oh, crap. Here comes an opportunity or motive to shoot him. "It was... yesterday?" I said, shrugging.

He put Bandit back on the couch and hugged me, practically lifting me off the ground. "Dammit, you're legal, and now I'm leaving-" he said in my ear.

"I am _not_ legal, I'm sixteen, and even if I was, my dad would _kill_ you," I said, fully aware that he was, in fact, glaring at us.

"Butbutbut!"

"_Prussia_. Put me down."

"Ugh, fine." He did and went over to the door and almost kicked it, but stopped himself in favor of picking his dog back up.

My dad opened the door. "Nations first," he said.

"_Awesome_ nations," Prussia corrected, walking out. I made to follow him, but my dad blocked me.

"In the future, don't let random people into the apartment. Call me first," he said.

I pouted. "Dad, I'm fine."

"This time." He looked over his shoulder, than back at me. "Stay here. Get yourself a pizza or something, and tomorrow we'll celebrate your birthday and you can get your driver's license and your other presents."

"Okay." He drew me into a hug and then left, locking the doorknob behind him. I stuck my tongue out at the door, then went to the phone and called the nearest pizza place.

* * *

Ohmahkey

His answer was indignant. "Yes, I can! I just have to find the proper spell first."

Germany raised an eyebrow. "When you say spell... What is the spell you used in the first place?"

"It's... It's an old spell, but there's a reverser somewhere, er..." He was riffling through books and papers; Germany could hear the sheets rustling.

"What's it do?"

He paused. "Let's see." Germany heard papers again, this time closer to the phone. "Ah, yes. He can't leave the vicinity of the girl, if he tries, he gets violently ill until he passes out, like a coma. Wakes up when she comes back. The only way he can break the spell himself is if he eats the lass... which fortunately seems unlikely."

Germany sputtered. "Bruder is _passed out in a shady alleyway _somewhere, you realize that, ja?"

"Ja - I mean, yes, I do now, I'm looking for the reverse as we speak."

"Danke."

"Germany, he's fine, if that's your concern. I can ascertain _that _at the very least. He has survived a lot of weird rubbish."

He muttered, "He _did_ wake up after eating your food..." but England, auspiciously, didn't hear him.

* * *

**A/N, chickies: Well, no, it's not the end. I haven't even told you what kind of pizza she gets! This would be a terrible ending. Plus, only seven chapters? Snooorefessst. That isn't **_**nearly**_** enough awesome!Prussia to satisfy a Prussia fangirl with but half my rabidity. And that, my dear friends, simply won't do. But eight? Eight may do it... Hehe.**

_**Not**_**.**

**IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS: You guys so do not read my A/Ns. I love that. It's funny because sometimes I give out prizes in my A/Ns, and no one ends up winning them. That's sad. :[**


	9. Chapter 8, Obligatory Drunk Prussia

**A/N: Why hello, sexy reader of sexiness! I presume you are here to read some awesome!Prussia of awesomeness? Well then. Good for you. :]**

**Disclaimer: There are no rubber chickens in this, and I don't own Hetalia or any variation thereof.**

**Pairing: Prussia/Beer (damn. straight.)**

**Warning! This is an obligatory drunk-off-his-ass!Prussia Chapter! (Really and truly entirely for the lols, pwomise!) Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, awesome!swearing, excessive exclamation points in the warning, excessive dialogue, ridiculousity, lame!party, and more Prussia!**

**PWP? ;D**

* * *

Chapter Eight

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Fastest delivery ever... suspicious. I looked out the peep hole, then threw open the door.

"What happened?" I demanded. Dad half-dragged Prussia through the door. To say he was looking a bit sick would be an understatement. Bandit followed.

"I'm fiiine," he said, pushing off of my dad and immediately tripping. "Just gimme a second." He pulled himself over to the nearest wall and sat back against it. "I officially hate whoever did this. Yuck."

I crouched down next to him. Opposite me, Bandit licked his face.

"Started looking a little green downstairs. Started wretching next to the car," my dad said.

"Haaate," he said, gently pushing Bandit back and crossing his arms. The dog went to the couch and fell asleep in the corner.

I shook my head. "Meaning..."

"Meaning it's a load of shit! I have to stay around _you_ or I'll get sick. What if I don't wanna go to school with you? What if I want to buy a beer?"

I rolled my eyes. "Clearly whoever did this is a sick, sick bastard."

"I know! I'll bet it was caterpillar eyebrows," Prussia said, putting his fingers over his own eyebrows. "You'd think he has it out for me if it weren't for the fact that he goes drinking with me and Germany a _lot_."

"Seem fine now," my dad said. He looked over at me. "Order a pizza?"

"Yeah." I grabbed ahold of Prussia's elbows and pulled him up whilst he mumbled angrily in German. "Starting to get homesick?"

"No, I'm too awesome to get homesick. Hell, I _am_ my own home. I _can't_ be homesick. Physically impossible."

Well, that sounded like a big fat lie made of denial. But he made up for sounding subtext-angsty by (admittedly only half-heartedly) attempting to grope my chest while I walked him over to the pull-out bed. I ignored him. My dad went to get something out of his car, so I sat next to Prussia.

"I'm sorry you can't go home."

"I'm _not_ homesick!" he said. "And even if I was, it wouldn't be your fault. If I know anything about that annoying guy at all, he probably didn't even mean to send my awesomeness out of Europe, just keep me out of the way for a while before everyone else overdosed on my awesomeness."

"So you don't miss _anything_?" I said skeptically.

"Beer. That's it," he said shortly.

I nodded.

"And maybe my bruder's cakes. Damn good cakes."

I nodded.

"And Italy."

I nodded.

Before Prussia could go on, my dad came back into the room carrying a large box. He put it down by the door and opened it, lifting out three bottles. "Beer and pizza for dinner. Hildy, you're not driving anywhere tonight, so unless you'd rather have soda..."

"It's fine," I said, taking two of the bottles and passing one to Prussia. No use in making him go back.

He examined the label for a total of three seconds before popping off the top and downing it in one go. Then he stroked the side of it and said, "Oh, mein liebling, it's been too long."

Neither me nor my dad said anything as he continued to stroke the empty bottle lovingly.

Then I shoved my still-capped bottle toward him. "I don't think, even if I only had one, there will be enough to spare. I'll drink soda."

He shrugged and drank mine too. I had barely stood to get him more when he finished that one too.

"Slow down or'll hurt yourself," my dad said. "At least eat something first."

"Okay, fine," he said. I sat back down.

My dad's phone rang five minutes later, followed shortly by the doorbell. My dad only looked at the caller ID before muttering a few curses under his breath and getting the door.

"Hildy, I'm going to pay for this pizza, then I've got to go. Work emergency came up. I'll be back tomorrow, the day after at the latest."

"It's fine, dad."

He paid for one everything and two cheese pizzas, then left. Prussia immediately dug into the everything pizza.

"Pizza and beer. This is so fucking classy," he said.

"I'm sure for you it is."

He snorted. "Do you want me to make sure you look cute when you pass out from all the awesome I'll be exuding?"

"Please do," I said, rolling my eyes. "Eat your pizza. I'll get you another bottle."

"And by "another bottle", you mean "five more bottles" right?"

"Nope," I said.

He pouted and I ignored him. This happened every few minutes, as he refused to get up and drank each one after caressing it for decreasing periods of time.

Then we ran out of everything pizza.

"That's all right, now I can get that nasty taste out of my awesome mouth with more awesome beer."

I leaned over the edge of the box. "There are only four bottles left."

He stared at me blankly for a moment. "How many is that?"

"Use your fingers."

He looked down at his hands, as if only just realizing they were there. He moved his fingers until only four remained up. "Eins, zwei, drei... vier... What! Only... vier... _four_? We'll have to get more!" He stuffed his hand into his jeans pocket. "Where the hell is my ID?" He looked in all his pockets, then tried his hair. "Oh, and pancakes! Let's get some pancakes! Hey, have you ever streaked?"

"No, nor do I want to. Try your hammerspace."

"Oh yeah! Hammerspace! Right!"

Quickly, there were all sorts of weapons and armor of Germanic origin strewn across the floor.

"You appear to have a whole armory in your hammerspace. _Why_?"

"What are you talking about? This is all shitty shit. I wouldn't dream of using anything but the sharp pointy things in an actual fight! Duh."

I shook my head, took the change from the pizza on the table, and stuffed it into my pocket.

"Aha!" He held up his ID and waved it around. "Now for beer!" Prussia picked up the box and stood by the door, waiting. I rolled my eyes and opened it for him.

* * *

We found a small liquor store, and luckily for us, Prussia was too concentrated on getting more booze to hassle the clerk too much. He drank the four bottles we brought along as he searched down the aisle for "the good stuff", whatever it was.

Once he found it, he wouldn't show it to me, or tell me what it was, and said that if I tried to take some he would be forced to hurt me. I wasn't too worried, since he was having trouble walking in a straight line at that point.

I lead him to a small diner that I knew had pancakes. We seated ourselves in a booth. At first, he didn't want to get in the booth, arguing that the material would stick to his legs. Then I pointed out that he was wearing pants and he agreed to sit across from me.

A pretty brown-haired lady came over to us. "Hello, my name is Marie, I'll be your waitress this evening. The special right now is-" she checked her watch. "Eggs Benedict." She gave us each a menu and started to leave.

"Hold on, he knows what he wants and I'm not hungry."

Marie nodded. "Yes? What would you like?"

"Apple juice," I said.

Prussia was still staring at the picture inside the menu she gave him. "Have you got, like, a coloring menu? For kids?"

She laughed. "Yes, we do."

"Sexcellent. I want one of those."

"Prussia."

"Was?"

"Tell her what you want to _eat_."

"I wouldn't mind some puss-" I kicked him. "I want pancakes, big ones," Prussia said. I kicked him again. He frowned and said, "_Please_." He squinted at the menu, then looked back up at her. "Also, how would you like hanging out on mein awesome couch?"

I let my head fall to the table. "I'm sorry. He's completely hammered, but I, unfortunately, can't beat him up and drag him home."

"It's all right, sweetie," Marie said, smiling. "I'm used to it this time of night. As long as you guys don't dine and dash, I'll throw in a free pie."

"An _entire_ pie!" Prussia said incredulously. "Oh, mein gooott. That sounds... _awesome_! You are awesome. Can I have my pancakes now?"

She laughed and walked away. "Coming right up."

There was silence except for the sounds in the kitchen. Prussia appeared to be staring through the table at about where my knees were.

"Can I have your pants?" Prussia asked me.

I shot him a look. "No, seeing as how I'm _wearing_ them at the moment. Why?"

"'Cause I want your pants, _duh_."

"They wouldn't fit you," I said.

"I cooould fit, maybe. I don't know. Let me try."

"Maybe when we get back home."

"Okay." He saw the menu again and picked it up. He kept twitching it. "Stupid words, stop moving! Gott verdammt... I told you, my ability to read is completely _dead_."

"When did you say that? And anyway, you don't need to read it, you already ordered."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

When we returned home, he stole one of my notebooks and wrote in it. I didn't mind that so much. The problem was he was abnormally quiet.

"What are you writing?" I asked.

He attempted to read his own handwriting. Prussia had difficulty reading it here and there. "Today is Hildy's birthday. I am wasted. Went for pancakes. I didn't get laid, but I got a free pie from Marie." He then slurred what he thought was Marie's phone number. "A _whole_ pie! And extra pancakes! Canada's gonna be jealous! Oh, and..." He wrote something else, and said the words as he wrote them. "Hil...dy... won't... give... me... her... pants..."

"What do you want my pants for?" I looked down at the clothing in question. Jeans. Nothing special.

"Because I do."

"Why? You wouldn't fit in them."

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Let me try 'em!" He tried to pull on my pants via belt loop, but I stepped back. He stumbled forward.

"No. Not gonna happen."

"Butbutbut! I have a pants collection! It's awesome. You and your pants should be honored that I want them in my collection!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"Give me your paaants," he said, lunging for mine again.

"No."

He pouted. "Pleashe?" The slur was obviously on purpose.

"No."

"But," he said as he began to lunge. He didn't finish, because I caught him in the crotch.

"Mean!" he said. "Let go."

He had his hands away from me then, so I agreed. "Sure."

But then he opened his drunkard mouth again. "Unless you actully want to _do_ something..." He waggled his eyebrows.

I grabbed his crotch again. "No."

He made a face but otherwise attempted to ignore me. "Are you suuure? Grabbing me again seems to point to yes-"

"No, it doesn't," I said, and squeezed.

"_Okay_,_ okay_, fine!" I let him go. After punching him so many times elsewhere, I don't know how he felt that. "But what about those pants?"

"Fine, you can try them, but I'm telling you, you're not gonna fit," I said. I went to find another pair for me to wear, then gave him mine. "If you rip those, I will kill you."

He didn't even bother going into another room. I facepalmed; apparently his tendency to strip continued far beyond sobriety. I was probably lucky it wasn't inversely proportional.

That's obviously not to say I didn't secretly think it hilarious and sort of enjoyable. He _is_ somewhat pretty.

"How much do you usually drink?" I asked him.

He looked from the pants to me and said, "I dunno how much toothpaste I use! Who pays attention to that kind of thing? I just squeeze it on the brush 'til it looks right!"

I laughed. "Drink, not toothpaste. You're a crazy person."

"Damn straight!" He shook a bottle at me, having finally gotten on my pants. They did fit and I really didn't know anything about boys' pants. "Here, want some?"

"Nope. I will not be joining in your shenanigans."

"Well, would you join me on the couch, then?"

I shook my head. "Whatever could you want to do there?"

"Watch artsy movies on TV. Duh. They're only good when you're drunk, and I feel a _little _tipsy, so let's do it!"

We hardly got halfway through the first movie I found and read the title to (as he claimed to still no longer have the ability to read), before he said we should go outside.

"Why?"

"I wanna fly. With wings of magic."

He thought he was a fairy. A _real_ fairy, with wings and everything.

Prussia decided playing hopscotch down the stairs would be a fun way of practicing flying. He couldn't really hurt himself, so I let him. Plus, it was pretty entertaining, because not only did he not know how to play hopscotch, he thought gravity no longer applied to him. You know, since he was a fairy and all.

Finally, he told me it was my turn. "I forfeit, because there is no way I could ever beat your awesomeness."

"Can I ravage you now?"

"No, and you mean ravish."

"I still don't understand the difference."

"_You_ wouldn't. Come on, let's go back inside before you really hurt yourself."

"Awesome fairies can't hurt themselves!"

My face and my palm made very nice pretty much all night until he followed me into my room and fell to my floor. He was still clutching an open bottle, so I tried to take it from him, even though if he spilled it he'd totally have to clean it up.

He smacked my hand away, switched beer hands, and rolled over without spilling a drop, so I figured my floor was safe. I went to bed after throwing a pillow and a blanket at his face.

In the middle of the night, Prussia woke me up by suddenly shouting, "The ceiling fan is fucking _moving_!"

I didn't have a ceiling fan. "Shut up and sleep, you asshat," I mumbled.

He quickly began snoring, and I went back to sleep myself.

* * *

Ohmahkey

"Well... I found it..."

"Then why aren't you using it?"

"Er, it's not translated."

"How long will it take to translate it?"

"I don't know. A while, probably." England changed the subject. "You said America wasn't answering?"

"Ja."

"You might want to try..." There was a long pause, and Germany looked at his phone to make sure it hadn't died. It hadn't.

"Try who?"

"There's a... Uh... There's a nation north of America, I think. Um, his twin brother? I think he may have been my colony at some point, with India, uhh, India, oh! France! That bastard knows! Took India and that other colony from him after the Seven Years War, so he might know."

"You think this other nation will help me?"

"More likely than Mexico, I think. But I don't quite remember who... How about I translate this spell, and you call that French bastard?"

"I suppose." But England had already hung up. Germany looked over at Italy, who was napping by then. There was no way Germany could push it off on him. "Guess_ I'll_ have to talk to him..."

* * *

**A/N, in the words of The Bravery: This is not the end. Eighty percent of the drunken shenanigans were inspired by mydrunktexts. Hacha! ****Also, don't drink and drive! That's bad. And don't drink more than you can handle. You'll die, unlike Prussia, who is too awesome to die from **_**alcohol**_**, unlike you. As an added bonus while you're dieing, you'll be thinking of this.**

**Also-also, I figure that Prussia (and the other nations) are more likely than not to take every day orders from their countrymen... you know, since they're their people and what not. (Every day orders like wake up, sleep, brush your teeth, leave me alone, blah blah blah... all those ones with the implied you.) That's why Prussia listens to Hildegard and her dad _sometimes_. **

*****!I'M HOPING TO FINISH THIS BY APRIL. LUCKILY IT'S SPRING BREAK SO I CAN WORK OVERTIME ON THIS. MAY HAVE TO REMOVE A PLANNED CHAPTER OR TWO TO MAKE IT FIT. EPILOGUE BY APRIL FIRST! A CHAPTER EVERY OTHER DAY UNTIL THEN? MAYBE!*****

**Bye loves! Fear the triple exclamation points! Love love love**

**longness for lateness. lol. Now if ffn would stop giving me errors... Okay, I fixed it. Stupid thing. I also fixed some screaming typos. :3 **


	10. Terminal 9, We Need A Wheelbarrow

**A/N: That auction on Dog Wars I mentioned back in chapter... whatever still isn't done. Grr. (Edit: Now that I've posted, it is. Not that anyone cares lol.)**

**I posted 'cause I finished it. Now I don't have to give you another one today! Haha! (Thought I'd finish before midnight, apparently not, lol.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dog Wars, Jimmy Buffett, Airplane, Cinnabon, **_**and**_** Hetalia. Sigh. It's like a non-accomplishment list.**

**Warning! It's a big pretty **_**white**_** plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows, and wheels, and it looks like a big Tylenol! Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, ship sinking, her name is **_**Hildegard**_**, excessive dialogue as per usual, less learning than usual, onhonhon, and awesomeness!**

Chapter Nine

My dad didn't come back the next day, or the day after that, or the next week, even. That wasn't too uncommon with his work. But Prussia didn't know that, and he seemed a bit anxious that my dad could return at any moment.

Finally, he asked me two weeks later, "What the hell does your dad do?"

"Things," I said vaguely. Prussia was unimpressed with my vagueness, so I got less vague. "Government work."

That made him relax. "Oh, I see. He's a spy," he said.

How did he... "What? No!" I said. No one was supposed to know that! I wasn't _supposed_ to know! My mom didn't even know!

"Please. Every country has them. I sort of figured he was a government employee before, or else I wouldn't have asked about America. But the fact that he knows America makes a lot more sense now."

I kept shaking my head insistently.

"He's not a politician, is he?"

I kept shaking my head.

"Didn't think so. Doesn't have the necessary slime."

"Thanks, I think. But he's not a spy!"

"Sure he's not," he said. "He's not if I can have a beer, anyway." Prussia held out his hand expectantly.

My eyes narrowed. "Remember what happened last time?"

He thought about it for a moment. I had only let him get more booze once since the day after my birthday, and I had not let him go again since.

"Ja, I do," he said quickly. "But let's compare: _Vati_'s a spy, _or_ the awesome Prussia gets a beer."

"No," I said. "No, fine. My dad's a... a spy. But no one else knows, okay? No. One."

"You just don't want me to have any alcohol," he said with a pout.

"Yeah, sounds about right. It's less admitting who my dad is or you getting alcohol than me admitting something you've already figured out or you... passing out and being worrisome," I said.

"Whatever. The point is, you want to keep me away from my beer. That's fine. Where's your mom?"

I glared at him. "Miami."

He blinked; he probably hadn't expected me to answer. "Your whatty?"

"It's a city. Miami. South east of here."

(For those among us who can't pronounce words, Miami is pronounced myammee. I hope I just ruined this joke for you.)

"Why aren't you with her then?"

"I will be in two weeks, for Christmas, and if we haven't figured out how to get you back by then, so will you." He was frowning. "What?"

"First, that answer is completely inadequate. Second, I never said I wanted to go back yet. Not even once."

I thought back. I guessed he hadn't, so I didn't comment on it. "My parents are divorced and my mom is a fisherman. Happy now?"

"Sure! That means she has booze, right?"

"Why would you think that?" I said as evenly as I could. She did, of course, but did Prussia really have to somehow know that?

"My sixth sense is booze, that's why! Kesesese."

* * *

Two weeks later, we wandered about the Tampa International Airport, because I did not have a car. My mom had mailed me the tickets.

I couldn't tell you exactly what happened in the food court, because I _still _can't remember, it happened so fast. I know it was rude (_really_ mean, in fact) and completely uncalled for, and Prussia almost beat the girl up. I distracted him by shoving my bag toward him and hoping my voice wouldn't crack. "Hold this for a second, please?"

"Uh, sure? If it's only a second, I guess," he said. "Whyyy?"

"I... I got something in my eye," I said.

He grinned and opened my bag. He rearranged my stuff like he had some sort of OCD. I'd never be able to find anything. "If that's all, fine. It's probably my fault anyway. My awesome tends to throw itself toward poor, less-awesome people... when I don't first."

"Shut up," I said. That was too close to being snappish, so I turned away and stalked toward a water fountain by the bathroom, rubbing my eyes.

"What? You don't want to hear my sexy voice?"

"Yes. Be quiet for a minute, please," I said, and got a drink.

He made a face but only managed to stay quiet for about ten seconds. "But why?"

I frowned. "Give my stuff back," I said, holding out my arms. He backed away.

"Nein. Tell me. It's my hostage until you tell me why you are being unawesome."

I glared at him. "I told you, there was something in my eye, and I got it out, so now I'm fine. Give me my stuff back."

"Nein."

"Yes."

"Nein!"

"Yes."

"Nein! Tell me!" He held my bag behind his back where he thought I couldn't reach it.

"It's not," I said, lunging for and grasping a strap, "Important. Just something stupid. I'm all right." Stupid girls are not important. He probably already knew that, anyway.

"Fine, don't tell me," he said, crossing his arms once he finally gave me my bag. "Even though I wouldn't tell anyone since I'm _awesome _like that."

Guilting me would never work. Ever. I ignored him. So we went to Cinnabon. Why? Because Prussia said, after but a half-minute of silence, that he wanted to sleep the whole trip.

"It's only an hour."

"But I hate flying! And I like sleeping!"

Well, I couldn't argue against _that_.

He took his giant cinnamon roll and we sat out in the food court. Prussia swayed in the uncomfortable cast-iron chair dramatically (mimicking Emma, if I recall correctly), then said, "I have five meters."

"Uh. And how much is that?"

He frowned through a mouthful of cinnabon. "What do you mean, _how much is that_?"

"We use the US Customary System around here, y'know."

Prussia shrugged... then grinned somewhat maniacally. "Hours and hours and hours, chicky."

I laughed. "I'll just suffer through without, then."

"Your loss, not mine."

He ripped off a piece and offered it to me. I shook my head, and he frowned.

"You haven't eaten anything since yesterday," he said.

"Yeah, well, it's almost Christmas, there are a million people here, and we're going to Miami. I don't think I could physically handle any food."

"Weakling."

"Yeah..."

"You know I would punch anyone who tried to attack you, right?"

"Yeah. Doesn't make me feel better."

* * *

Ohmahkey

"Bonjour? Allemagne?"

"Ja. I... You know how there is a country north of America?"

"Vous voulez dire que le Canada?"

Germany turned to Italy, who had woken up upon hearing France's voice. "Does Canada sound right?"

"Uh, ve... I guess..." He appeared to have no idea what was going on.

"Il arrivé quelque chose?" France asked.

"Britannien sent Prussia to America's Florida."

Germany assumed France was drinking wine as he heard him do a spit take.

"_Floride_?" He laughed. "He would! Ha! America's dick! Haha!"

"Ja... anyway... Could you call... um... for me, or give me his number, so that I may request that he find my bruder?"

"Je vais l'appeler. Vous oublierez."

"Probably," he said sheepishly.

"Do you know the exact location of your _bruder_?"

"I believe the UK said he was near a city called Tampa."

"Bon, I shall call him. Do not fret at all. Your _bruder_ will be very well taken care of."

"I do not like that wording-" But Germany was, once again, hung up on.

"France and Prussia are friends, though, right?" Italy said.

"I don't know any more."

"Big brother France wouldn't shoot him or anything."

"That's... not what I was concerned about," he said vaguely. "I'm more concerned that they _are_ friends..."

Italy and his sheer obliviousness, however, had no idea what he meant.

* * *

**A/N, the square root edition: I have nothing to say to this. xD Mostly because I have no idea what I'm going to do with this chapter.**

**It must be pretty trippy to read this chapter, and then read about me wondering what I should do with this chapter. Is that irony? That's a rhetorical question because I don't really care. But answer it if you want, 'cause I seriously don't know.**

**Is this the second to last chapter? Hell if I know. This may never end. I wrote this A/N at 1:47 AM on 2.4.011. I am so classy.**

**Translations: **

_**Bonjour? Allemagne?**_** Hello? Germany?**

_**Vous voulez dire que le Canada?**_** You mean Canada?**

_**Il arrivé quelque chose?**_** Did something happen?**

_**Floride?**_** Florida?**

_**Je vais l'appeler. Vous oublierez. **_**I shall do it. You'll forget.**

**Why Tampa? 'Cause it's 19% Hispanic, 9% German, and 2% French there, that's why. It's not just because I live near there. Nooo. Of course not. Go Lightning! 8D lolol lightning suck last I checked. So do the Rays. So do the Bucs. Hahaha... I'm a writer, not a sports-watcher. So yeah! kthxbai**


	11. Chapter 10 Wherein The Words Number 2300

YOU GET TWO MORE CHAPTERS TODAY (HOPEFULLY), AND THE LAST ONE TOMORROW!

**A/N: The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. Auction? Still not done. Is this the last chapter? No, really, is it? I don't know. I think I'll stick in an epilogue even if it is.**

**Disclaimer: ICH BESITZE NICHTS. :]**

**War-ning! Don't ever start a baaand! Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, Hildy's mommy, cheesy stuff, more ship sinking, I enjoy sinking ships, denial isn't just a river in Egypt (it's also a river in Sudan), annnd excessive dialogue! OMG! I'm not really gonna get into this thing with her mom! It's not important, originally I wanted to include Christmas and stuff, but I don't have the time or resources, so... this!**

* * *

Chapter Ten

"Prussia, we're here."

He mumbled something and turned his head away.

"Prussia!"

"If you don't want to carry me... you should give me beer..."

"And if I leave you here, you will go comatose. New options: go or stay."

He had, of course, taken the window seat, despite sleeping the entire time.

I crossed my arms and waited. After around thirty seconds, he turned to look at me and sighed. "You're not going to win," he said.

I raised my eyebrows. "Bye," I said, turning to walk down the aisle. Prussia grabbed my wrist and used me to stand, then somehow got me on his back.

"Weeell, if I'm carrying _you_, I suppose I can go where ever I want, _right_?"

Unfortunately, the answer to that was yes, so I just breathed on his neck as creepily as I could as we exited the plane. This had zero effect on him, much to my dismay.

"People have been breathing down my awesome neck since _forever_. I'm a European nation, remember? It's kind of nostalgic." After a moment, he shuddered, saying, "Never mind, just thought of that asshole Russia. I'll lose all my eyelashes this way."

I stopped and just rested my head on his shoulder, enjoying the free ride. "And that would be terrible."

There was a silence as we made our way to where my mother always waited for me.

"So what's your mom look like?" I was about to answer when he added, "Is she hot?" he said.

I attempted to thwack him upside the head. Luckily, my hand glanced off his hair with no harm to myself.

"Dude. Not okay."

He shrugged. "Fine. Just wondering."

I pursed my lips. "Yes, she is. She looks like me but tanner. Duh."

"Hm. What do you want me to tell her?"

"If you tell her we're "banging" I will hurt you."

He laughed loudly. If people weren't staring at us before, they certainly were then. "I meant about my name. Should I just tell her that I'm the awesome nation of Prussia, or same as I've told everyone else?"

"Prussia, dear, when you put it like that, it makes me fifty percent more sure that you are going to say that we're banging."

"You keep saying it, not me. I think you _want_ me to say that."

"No, I don't."

"Yes you do."

"See, this is what I mean. No."

"Okay, I won't tell her."

"Won't tell her what?" He just grinned. "Won't tell her _what_, Prussia?"

"Hildegard! Is that you?"

Prussia turned. My mom was waving at us, grinning like an idiot. Prussia sauntered, I kid you not, he _sauntered_ over to her.

"Hi Mom," I said.

"Hi Mom," Prussia said right after me. If his accent was any indication, he wasn't going to tell her who he actually was. Of course not. Then it would be more plausible that we _were_ together.

She smiled. "Hey, I thought you wanted that extra ticket for Emma, not a boyfriend," she said.

Lacking the ability to facepalm, I headshouldered.

"We're not going out," I said.

Prussia sighed dramatically, but nodded in agreement.

"Then why bring him along?" my mom wondered.

"He wanted to come," I said lamely. Then a light bulb went off. "It was this, or take his dog."

"At least _he_ gets to hang out with Scooby-Doo. I'm almost jealous."

"What's your name?" she asked him.

"Friedrich Hanover," he answered.

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

My mom was clearly having trouble understanding what the hell Prussia was saying, so she turned to me. "Let's go home, shall we?"

She led the way out of the airport. Prussia refused to put me down. Once we got to her car, she said, "You _can_ still walk, right?"

"Yes, I can. But he offered."

Prussia wrinkled his nose and dropped me. I somehow managed to catch myself and punch him simultaneously, which he laughed at.

"So, Friedrich," my mom said, always feeling a necessity to talk. "Where are you from?"

"Potsdam," he said.

"Potsdam, Germany?" she asked, looking at him in the rearview mirror. We were both in the back of her little car. "We used to go there every summer when I was a kid. It's a nice place."

"Yes it is." He sniffed. "Lots of awesome people came from there."

"I'll agree to that. That's where my parents were born."

"Oh, really?" Prussia said, as if he didn't already know that. I poked him in the side. He ignored me. "That's awesome."

"How old are you?" my mom asked.

He grinned. "Twenty-one."

"M_hm_. Hildegard, I thought I told you to stay out of those strip clubs."

Prussia laughed as I just shrugged. "I haven't been to "one of those" strip clubs in a few months, thank you." I turned to him. "She thinks arcades are fronts for stripper joints."

I saw my mom turn red in the mirror as Prussia laughed harder. Points to me, as my face doesn't change color.

"Well, some of them are! You could have some strange fetishes either way."

"If I did, it runs in the family, mother."

We continued back and forth for the entirety of the ride, much to Prussia's amusement. When we got to my mom's house, he asked, "Do you guys always do that, or is it just because I'm awesome?"

"We always do that ever since the first time I brought Emma along and Emma asked of the inability to be embarrassed ran in the family."

My mother ran in the house, appearing to have remembered that she left the shower running.

"So, it doesn't?"

"It does, but on my dad's side. My mom just likes to think it's her side, since, you know, we look exactly alike."

He nodded. "You do, it's scary. Except for the overalls. You have a better fashion sense."

I laughed. "She's the one who sends me clothes, though. Those are just her work clothes."

"I see. Fisherman, that's right. Also, alcohol. She has a nice house for a normal."

* * *

Ohmahkey

Canada heard his answering machine pick up. Something work-realated, no doubt. He certainly didn't want to listen to it.

"Oooh, _mon petit Canada? Décrochez le téléphone~ I have a request for you_~"

He sighed and reached for his phone. He tried to remember France's French so that the man wouldn't throw a shitfit. "If it's an orgy, I'm not interested."

"_Onhonhon, always jumping to conclusions! Non, our favorite German brother was sent to _your_ brother's penis._ _Haha_, _that's still hilarious!_"

Canada snorted. "And why not leave him there_?_"

France's voice became serious. "_Because it was Iggy who sent him. You know I don't like it when Iggy has his way with my.._. _uh..._ friends." Fuck buddies. The phrase he was looking for was definitely fuck buddies. Canada decided not to mention it.

"Oui... And what, exactly, do you want me to do?"

"Well, I just checked back with Monsieur Germany, and he said the girl Prussia should be nearby is called Hildegard Schmeling."

"That poor girl... Hmm, Schmeling. The name sounds familiar."

"_Oh? I wonder why~ Anyway, I would like for you to find them and bring them both to the UK so that Iggy can fix them and Prussia can go back to being bothersome and our normal can go back to being normal. They're suppoded to be near Tampa. You probably have a better idea of where that is than I do, so I shall say no further_."

"All right, I'll try. It's better than lying around and sleeping, eh."

"_We're counting on you_!" France said, and hung up before Canada could say any more. Canada wondered if anyone else shared the opinion that nearly every other nation seemed to have a tendency to do that.

Meanwhile, in Germany, Germany sneezed and accidentally woke up Italy...

First, Canada called Prussia. It rang busy for two minutes before he gave up on that.

Then he tried his brother and got his voice mail. Predictable.

It looked like he would have to do some actual work, beginning with Googling the girl. Nothing but a birth announcement came up, and it was no help to him, what with the location being Miami.

So of course he hacked into America's government computer. Because, why not?

He searched "Schmeling" on there. Over a hundred hits came up. He narrowed the search to Tampa, Florida. Four hits. One was Wilhelm Schmeling.

He recognized the picture. That explained the name recognition. Wilhelm was one of America's more personal spies, with only one rank between him and the nation. But that's not why he recognized the name. He recognized the name from the baby shower America was bragging about being invited to (he wasn't invited to very many parties, being sort of a jerk). It had to be more than a decade ago. Wilhelm's daughter.

Hildegard.

He scribbled the address on a scrap piece of paper, scooped up Kumakatoa (ignoring the "Who?"), and went to find a plane.

* * *

**A/N Cocoa Mocha Latte: And I don't even exist. Sooo, I guess this isn't the last chapter, eh? Hehe. Who likes cliffhangers? SAME! It's all right, you only have to wait like, a week. Hehe. Not really.**

**HI. I DO NOT SPEAK FRENCH. ._. I just stuck it in google translate until it sounded right. Actually, I screwed it. I changed it all back to English. Just pretend they were both speaking in French the whole time like below.**

_**...mon petit Canada? **_**My little Canada?**

_**Décrochez le téléphone~ **_**Pick up the phone.**

_**J'ai une demande à vous faire~ **_**I have a request for you.**

_**Si c'est une orgie, je ne suis pas intéressé.**_** If it's an orgy, I'm not interested.**

_**...toujours de sauter aux conclusions! **_**Always jumping to conclusions!**

_**Non, notre frère préféré allemand a été envoyé au pénis de **_**ton**_** frère. **_**No, our favorite German brother was sent to **_**your**_** brother's penis.**

_**Et pourquoi ne pas lui laisser là-bas? **_**And why not leave him there?**

_**Parce que c'était Iggy qui l'a envoyé là-bas**_**. Because it was Iggy who sent him there.**

_**Vous savez que je n'aime pas Iggy ayant son chemin avec mon**_**... amis. You know I don't like Iggy to have his way with my... friends.**

_**Et ce, exactement, voulez-vous que je fasse?**_** And what, exactly, do you want me to do?**

**...Lazy writer is too lazy to delete these. But it would be funny if you guys read the story, scroll down, and see translations, and be like "what the fuck, there wasn't any French!" anyway. **

**Lazy writer also is not sure how to spell Kumajirou (and that is probably not right either...), and so narration shall contain entirely made up spellings. And, yes, that means the guy who looks like America is coming back. :3**


	12. Chapter 11, Sorry For The Lateness

**A/N: Okay, for reals this time, we near the end. Second to last chapter? Will you miss me when I'm gone? Will you miss Prussia? What about Hildegard? TOO BAD! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I **_**MARRIED**_** THEM! **_**How does that make you feel?**_** Bahahaha!**

**Disclaimer: Not really. :! **

**Warning! I am serious! And don't call me Shirley! Human OCs, awesome!Prussia, teeth, anti-ship missiles (for use in planes, you see), SHOW IT TO ME, excessive dialogue (FOR REALS!), and real live plot that will subsequently be beaten near death! Oh, and spoilers in the warning! Hehe. I skipped two weeks again. ._. Upload failure. I have writer's block. Sigh.**

* * *

Chapter Eleven

I have come to the realization that Prussia drinks beer like it's the water of life... Fortunately, when he has a nigh-unlimited supply from my mom, he drinks much slower. On Christmas, there was plenty to go around (though my mom barred me from it) and somehow we still had some on New Year's. Three days later, we (read _I,_ as Prussia didn't bring anything to begin with) packed my things. Then we all went to bed, because the flight, for some reason, was at 7:45 am the next day.

I had a dream. I didn't realize that right away. An enshadowed face staring at me, darkness... So on, so forth. It was creepy... Okay, it was really creepy. It was a disturbing dream, that's all. In my mind, I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, there was Prussia, drenched in the red of my clock and looking as displeased and adorable as ever. I don't think he could have looked more creepy, though. (Not without pulling a rape face, that is.)

"Why are you in my room?" I asked him, pulling the cover up to my head.

He made a face. "'Cause you woke me up."

"I was sleeping just now, in case you didn't notice. How did _I_ wake _you_ up?"

"You shouted," he said. As a sleepy afterthought, he added, "Unawesomely."

"I didn't shout," I said, rolling over. I had never shouted in my sleep before then. Or I'd never heard myself do so, anyway.

"Like a girl." He sounded way too serious, almost disgusted, to be lying.

"That's a crappy qualifier since I am one. Go back to sleep."

"You screamed. You screamed, and it _sounded_ like you were being mauled by a panda."

I ignored his nonsensical statement for the most part. "Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to wake you up. It happens to everyone. Just go back to sleep."

"Now I can't!"

"Did you _try_?"

"Nein."

"Try."

"Nein."

"Try."

"Nein."

I sighed. "What time is it?"

"Six twenty-seven."

"You can't pretend to sleep for another half hour?"

"Nein, and you're not going to either. Although maybe if I was on a bed I could..."

"My bed?" I guessed.

"Ja."

I shook my head, but rolled away from him anyway. "If you touch me, I will castrate you."

He flopped down next to me but faced my clock. "Like that's never been threatened at me before."

"I was just asleep. I'm sorry my ability to make threats is impaired."

"It's fine. I'm not retardedly unawesome. I wouldn't touch you right now if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me."

"Comforting, but thank you."

"No problem! From country to countryman, anyway. As friends, you owe me."

"Sure I do."

"Was that sarcastic? Seriously? 'Cause I'm not sure. It had better not be."

"Go to sleep already."

"Are _you_ going to sleep?"

"If you stop talking I will."

He was quiet for a minute. I closed my eyes with no intention of going back to sleep.

"No you won't. But I don't mind just laying here, lucky for you. I only slept for like an hour. I'm good for the next three days. I shall talk at you and annoy you instead of letting you wallow in unawesome thoughts, as a sexcellent country like myself should."

That was working. "Are you on drugs?"

"Nein, not usually. I am naturally this fucking awesome."

"It would seem like it."

"It damn well should because I damn well am!"

A short moment of silence.

"How loud was I?"

"I almost pissed myself."

"I hope you're kidding."

"I am. Sounded more like you were getting mauled by a panda."

"Who gets mauled by a _panda_?"

He sniffed. "Lots of people."

"Did _you_ get mauled by a panda?"

"Nein," he denied.

"Are you lying?"

"Nein."

"Then where did you come up with the panda thing?"

"Russia."

"Russia has pandas?"

"He has a panda suit and he stalks China in it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but I totally jacked the head. Hmm. I think my birds use it as a house now."

"Your birds?"

"Yeah, I used to only have one and he lived on my head. Don't know where he came from but he's really cute! Then he multiplied! It was amazing."

"What do they look like?"

"Like chicks."

"Like girls?"

"Like fluffy baby chickens. Duh."

"Oh. Can they fly?"

"Yeah... but they're all such fat asses that they just sit on the awesome me. Lazy bastards."

"Are they all right without you?"

He snorted. "Ja, they've only been living off my awesomeness for - well, I don't even know how long! I'm sure they can make it until I get back, whenever that is. Besides, West will take care of them for me, if he knows what's good for him."

"West?"

"My brother, better known as Germany. He's my brother because he can withstand my awesome for long periods of times."

"Does that make me your sister, then? I haven't felt an overly compelling urge to kill you yet, if that counts as withstanding."

"And I admire you for that, I truly do," he said sarcastically. "But nein, you're a normal. You're my minion."

"Why do I have to be the minion?"

"Because you're a normal! I just said that. Gott. That means you couldn't really hurt me anyway. West could hurt me, therefore he's my brother. Plus, I'm older than you."

"You ought to remember that. So I can't be your sister because I'm a "normal"?"

"Ja. Stop repeating the things I just said." He rolled over. "Actually, I just thought of something."

"Uh oh."

"Why does everyone always say that? Listen, okay. There's a rank just under nation. Sometimes our bosses hire them but we usually get to pick our own. My old one works for West now, but that doesn't mean I-"

"Are you talking about those Mr. Newspaper guys?" I interrupted.

He looked slightly taken aback. "Ja. How'd you know?"

"That's who my dad works for, America's newspaper. She's really buddy-buddy when drunk, so that's how I know my dad is who he is."

"I see... But that's not important! What's important is, if you became my Newspaper, you wouldn't be a normal any more!"

I allowed that to sink in...

"Wouldn't I have to be able to write and speak German?" I said skeptically.

His face fell. "Ja."

"Neither of which I can do. I can't even understand the language."

"I can teach you."

I nodded. "You could, I guess."

"Not right now though. It's too dark."

"Prussia, the window is covered with plywood." People kept trying to break into my mom's house when she wasn't there for months at a time, so she kept the windows boarded up. "Of course it's dark."

He rolled over and looked at the clock. "Oh." Nothing for a moment, then, "I'm hungry."

I rolled my eyes and pushed him off the bed. "Breakfast, then."

"Pancakes?" he said hopefully into the floor.

"You ate them all two days ago, or have you forgotten already?"

"Hmm, so I did," he said when he rolled over. "Waffles then."

"You ate all of those yesterday."

"Gott verdammt..."

I fell/jumped over him before helping him up. "Well, we'll find something."

* * *

Pretty much the entire car ride (my mother woke up ten minutes before we left and didn't even bother to put real clothes on since she dropped us off at the airport) and flight (Prussia took the window seat and slept again) were uneventful. The taxi ride home was boring as could be. But as we climbed up the stairs to my apartment, I felt something weird. Sort of like when I first met Prussia. I looked around in front of my door, but there were no nations whatsoever in sight. No nations or anyone.

"Do you feel a... presence?" I said as I unlocked the door.

Prussia shrugged. "Yeah, but I think it's in my pants - wait, yes. That's weird." He looked through the window. "Did you leave your kitchen light on?"

"No," I said. "Maybe my dad is home?"

I creaked open the door and started to call out for him, but Prussia suddenly covered my mouth and pulled me back.

"It's two of _us_," he said quietly.

"Two of us who?" I said, thought it came out a lot more muffled. He put his hand down. "Two of us _who_?"

"Countries, nations, like the awesome me, but considerably less awesome. Two of them. Don't know who. Me first. Maybe I can have a real fight!" He held me back with one arm effortlessly as he poked his head in through the door. A light came on and he quickly shut the door.

"What? Who is it?"

"Canada and America."

I blinked. "Then why do you look like you just saw a ghost?

"You've never seen Canada before, have you?"

I shook my head. Neither of us moved.

"Just go inside," I said finally, pushing him lightly. He huffed and opened the door.

"Hello, ladies," said a voice from my sofa.

* * *

**A/N is you: I love you. :3 Well, how well did I beat my plot to death? Again? It's 2:03 AM on 2.4.011. Take the weather with you. :] Marriage in the next chapter? Hehe. Like you guys will ever know, because you never read the A/Ns. XP Oh and I really do love you.~**

**And don't forget the mushrooms. Got a plan? Hehe. **

**Next week PREVIEW:**

"...The end."

**AMAZING! Applause! Applause! No, wait wait. I have an announcement to make. AFTER THE END... Billy Mays! No, that's not right either. Awesome, yes, but incorrect. What I meant to say was, after the end is an epilogue! Yay! And after that... Creeper Canada! *wat***

**Oh hey. And Cora Schmeling is addicted to Eddie Izzard. FYI. So if you were wondering about Hildegard's fashion sense... yeah check out Eddie Izzard. Less make up though. Too lazy. ;P**


	13. Chapter 12, It's Unexcusable, I'm sorry

**A/N: Finally, for chrissakes! You don't know how hard it was for me to NOT post this early. Since I'm a spiteful bitch, I thought I'd wait. CON-TI-NU-IT-Y. I have none. Also, remember that Dog Wars Auction? Just ended. I missed the prize 'cause of this shit. Fail. xD**

**Disclaimer: This story has no place in Hetalia's continuity, or else I wouldn't post it.**

**Warning! She just passed through Chicago! Sunny Afternoon, human OCs, awesome!Prussia, herocomplex!America, serious!Germany, a ton of exclamation points, British!Iggy (who'da thunk it), fail!ending, implied plotplotplot, Hildy's daddy, tearful goodbyes, expellation of mysteries, who?, and spoilers in the warning! Bahaha! FAIL POST IS LATE. That wasn't redundant! Omg!**

* * *

Chapter Twelve

"Oh hey Canada, what brings you here?" Prussia said, though otherwise ignoring the man and his polar bear (!) sitting on the couch in favor of the kitchen. He brought back a man who looked rather like the first man, albeit holding a NcDonald's happy meal, and a beer for himself that I suspected he'd taken from my mother's house. "And with America, too! How pleasant, guess you two couldn't stay away from my awesome. Who's up for a foursome?"

The first one, Canada, sighed. "And France said there wouldn't be any orgies involved."

"_France_? _He_ asked you to come here?" Prussia demanded. He laughed. "I knew he couldn't keep resisting my awesomeness forever."

Canada nodded. America seated himself next to me and offered me some of his soda. I shook my head, too worried about whatever the hell was going on to drink. "Oui, he did, but at the request of your brother."

"_Mein bruder_?" Canada nodded. "Asked _France_?" Nod. "To ask _you_?" Nod. "To come get _me?_" Nod. "Wow. I am pretty fucking awesome, aren't I?"

"We're taking you back to Iggy," America said through a mouthful of soda.

"_Back_? What do you mean, _back_?"

He put down his soda and said brightly, "You were trying to drunkenly assault Liechtenstein, so I saved you from getting shot by bringing you to Iggy!"

I rubbed my forehead. "Only you, Prussia, only you."

He snorted. "That's all? I've done worse. And what the hell did Iggy do?"

"He used some weird voodoo magic stuff and sent you _here_! Which pissed me off, since, you know, I kinda like Florida, even if it's really weird."

Prussia cocked his head at him. "You just don't want the awesome me in your pants."

There was a complete silence for a moment. America stared at Prussia for a full minute before looking at the floor and sticking the soda back in his mouth.

Then there was a quiet, "Who?" Prussia and I looked around, and we discovered that the polar bear had spoken.

"I'm Canada! The one who feeds you!" The bear shrugged. "Maple... Could we leave now?"

Prussia frowned. "I just got _off_ of a plane. I do not want to get right back on _another fucking plane_."

"Ditto," I said.

All three of them glanced at me, but America returned to staring at his shoes and Canada and Prussia returned to staring each other down.

Then Canada sighed. "If I make you pancakes, will you get on the plane?"

"Deal! What a bargain!"

So, after what felt like seven thousand god-pancakes that made me feel like a disgrace to pancake-making, we got in another taxi to the airport. America didn't even want to get out of the car. Apparently he disapproved of Prussia.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't exactly happy to be randomly sent here at first either!"

America bit his lip, soda and happy meal long finished. "It... wasn't _completely_ random..."

The meter was running. Prussia didn't care, but Canada was already out. Prussia kept up a glare. "Do explain."

"He needed a girl's name for the spell to work."

I found my eyebrow rising. Prussia twitched.

"So I said the first name that came to mind, and it was Agent Schmeling's kid."

"He's an agent? That's funny," I said. "Is he a _secret_ agent? Man? Secretagentman?"

Clearly, whatever they were talking about was serious business, because again, they simply glanced at me before turning back to each other.

"Bastards," I muttered. I opened the door and slammed it shut. It took me a moment to locate Canada. He was staring at the back of the taxi, but otherwise not moving. "Hey, why do you guys keep ignoring me?" I asked him.

He blinked a few times before realizing I had asked him a question. "What? Who're you?" I frowned. "Oh! Sorry, you're Hildegard, I knew that. I was distracted."

"Are they having hot hate sex or something?" I asked, turning around to see Prussia and America wrestling furiously in the back of the taxi. Or something.

"I don't think so..." he said. "What did you ask me?"

"Why do you three keep ignoring me?"

"Hm? We couldn't physically talk to every normal, eh. We've learned to ignore most of them, unless they're _really_ important."

"I'm not important?"

The polar bear laughed. Probably because I was mimicking Prussia's pout.

"No, you are. But it's a hard habit to break, you know?" Canada looked at the taxi. The two weren't wrestling any more. They both had a gun. The driver was gone.

"Should we be worried?"

"No, America doesn't carry loaded guns inside his own borders, and Prussia isn't facing us."

"Prussia's don't work, or so he told me."

"Sounds about right."

We stood there watching them for another ten minutes. When Prussia finally left America in the car, grinning to himself, Canada said to me, "That was more subdued than a usual fight with Prussia. Wonder why."

"Can we get this over with already?" he said.

* * *

Someone tried to sit on Canada. He legitimately did not see him there. The squeak Canada emitted woke Prussia up, and he laughed the entire far-too-long flight about it. Meanwhile, I was beginning to think that all those pancakes were a bad flippin' idea. So I sat with my head between my knees in between a highly visible nation and a nigh invisible nation for the entire flight.

Lovely contrast, don't you think?

We ended up in London, which was terrifying for several reasons, most of all because I had no idea what to expect. But Prussia was back to carrying me. It earned a strange look from Canada. "That's cute... Didn't know you went with normals, Prussia."

His cheeks turned bright red. "I don't," he muttered, as if hoping I would hear him.

"You don't?" I said. He shook his head. I laughed and wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. "So what am I to you, if I'm not some conquest of yours? Am I just a normal?"

I hate to say it, but I never had very many friends. Social paranoia was something I inherited from my parents. But Prussia, I knew, was definitely my friend.

"You're gonna be my sister, so it doesn't matter," he said. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but you can't always get what you want.

"Damn straight, and I'll be the sexiest goddamn sister you've ever had," I said.

"Adorable," Canada said passively, shaking his head. He was busy texting and trying to hold his polar bear at the same time.

* * *

"This isn't gonna hurt, is it?"

That was Prussia's first question. The answer was "probably not excruciatingly so."

"What'll happen to me?" was my question.

"Probably nothing."

"Or?" was both my second and Prussia's second. We demanded to know at the same time.

"As with anything, there is a small chance of Hildegard dying."

"Oh, _good_," I said, crossing my arms. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear!"

There was silence. Some thinking appeared to be occurring.

"We could just cause havoc around here for a week or two and go back. Everywhere sucks about the same anyway."

I smoothed back my hair under my headband. "No, no, it's just... sleep and everything else today catching up to me. Reverse the spell already."

Canada was gone, so we were alone with the nation America kept referring to as Iggy. The UK.

He was dressed in a black robe, making it hard to see his face, but Canada assured me that he didn't always dress so nerdily, to which Prussia said, "The guy wears sweater vests and talks to imaginary mythical beasts. He can't get much nerdier as it is. Hell, the robe is an upgrade."

Canada said, "Tell me honestly whether or not you wonder why he dislikes you so much."

"_Dislike_? Please. He dislikes _France_. Greece _dislikes_ Turkey. No one - _no one - _dislikes me."

"Except for those who don't, right?" I said.

"Shutupbitch."

Anyway, back to the UK. He said some fancy Latin words, which Prussia snorted at, then stayed silent for a few minutes in which I pondered questioning the length of the spell. Then there was a bright flash. When it ended, I saw Prussia near me on the floor.

And I felt very sleepy.

* * *

We stayed in a hotel in London, or so I was told, because I woke up next to Prussia on a plane, apparently en route to Germany. I woke him up, leaned on the armrest, and waited for an answer to, "Are you fixed?"

"No, my grandfather did not have me neutered," he said sleepily. I smacked him upside the head and injured my hand. "Huh was? What?"

"Are. You. Fixed?"

He pushed his hair back. "Oh, you mean the spell?" He drew a circle on the armrest. "Yeah! Yeah, now you totally don't have to die from an overexposure of awesomeness!"

"Well, that's good. Where are we headed?"

"My brother's house, of course."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course. Should have guessed. Why didn't I think of that?"

He threw a bag of peanuts at me. "Go back to sleep." Then he took his own advice.

* * *

"Get off of me, dog! I _live_ here! I've _always_ lived here! Why do you jump on me _every fucking time I come in the house_?" He pushed the big black and brown dog off of himself, so it jumped on me instead. The two other, slightly smaller dogs stayed away.

"Hey, _aussteigen_," I said, wagging my finger at it when it finally backed away. "_Sitzen_!" He sat down in front of me. I could tell a dog to get off and sit. Great. The train ride was worth something.

"Yo, Westen!" Prussia shouted. "I'm home! Ya miss me? _Wessstennn!_"

"Why do you call him _Westen_?" I asked.

He turned to me. "'Cause he's west of me." He turned back towards the innards of the house and bellowed, "_Westen!_"

"Was?" was the return shout. "..._bruder?_"

It didn't take long for Prussia's brother to get there. If I were being honest, I looked a lot like him in the face. Slightly different eyes, and obviously different hair lengths, but... Prussia was sure I was related to _Prussia_?

He grinned. "So, didja miss me?"

"Ich-" He caught sight of me, so totally _not _half_-_hiding behind his far-less-scary brother. "_Wer ist das_?" He indicated me.

"_Sie ist meine Günstling_, Hildegard." He laughed. I had no idea what he said, so I grimaced in response. "This is Germany, AKA West." Then he turned back to his brother. "_Sie wird meine Zeitung, sobald sie die Schule beendet... und lernt Deutsch._"

"Shut up," I said. (_Und lernt Deutsch_, I knew, and he clearly meant it in a rude way.)

They both ignored me, but I was getting used to that from the nations, however annoying it was. I could deal.

"_Ich verstehe. Du bist in Ordnung_?"

"_Kein Scheiß_, Westen."

Germany sighed. "_Italia entdeckt Ihr Vogel in der Küche. Er hat es jetzt. Ich weiß nicht, wo die befinden anderen._ _Sie schulden der Schweiz und seiner Schwester eine Mahlzeit_."

"Killjoy. _Sie_ _weiß nicht, alle Deutschen, nur Englisch. _Switch?"

Germany looked at me and shrugged. "I guess so."

"When's lunch?" he asked. "I hate planes... when I don't get to fly them, anyway. They screw up my systems."

Germany and I both rolled our eyes.

* * *

**A/N, for the last time: WOW bet you saw that coming a mile away. I sure didn't. WANT AN EPILOGUE? COOL ME TOO. I luuuurve epilogues... the ones with weddings in them are especially entertaining. ;D Spoileralertwut?**

**Edit: TRANSLATION OVERLOAD lol sorry. They said a lot of words. xD If you has better translations let me know xD; God knows I put about twenty seconds into this. (I reverse google translated a few times until it looked right... that's about it xD) Oh hey, remember in chapter ten when I said I don't know French? Yeah, same applies to German. I have an extensive knowledge of English and a basic knowledge of Spanish and that's about as foreign as I get.**

_**Wer ist das? **_**Who is this?**

_**Sie ist meine Günstling**_**... She's my minion (well, if you stick it in the translator it says "favorite" but whatever!)...**

_**Sie wird mein Zeitung, sobald sie die Schule beendet**_**... She'll be my newspaper once she finishes school. (Kind of a shot in the dark canon-wise... but whatever.)**

_**Und lernt Deutsch**_**... And learns German...**

_**Ich versteha**_**. **_**Du bist in Ordnung?**_** I see. You're all right?**

_**Kein Scheiß**_**... No shit...**

_**Italia entdeckt Ihr Vogel in der Küche. Er hat es jetzt. **_**Italy found (discovered) your bird in the kitchen. He has (it) now. (This one was a bitch to translate, no shit.)**

**_Ich weiß nicht, wo die befinden anderen_... I don't know where the others are.  
**

_**Sie schulden der Schweiz und seiner Schwester eine Mahlzeit.**_** You owe Switzerland and his sister a meal.**

_**.**_**..**_**Sie weiß nicht, alle Deutschen, nur Englisch.**_** She doesn't know any German, only English.**

**EPILOGUE AROUND SIX PM, 4/1/2011! LOOK FORWARD TO IT! Hopefully. (Well, it's actually already done. Heh...) ._. OTL (means over the line, right? Right?)**


	14. EPILOGOUS ONE! U mad? Well don't be

**A/N: Hmmmmmmmm.**

**Disclaimer: I... own not... the Hetalians... for they... own me.**

**Warning! He's gonna get you! Human OCs, mawiage, awesome!Prussia, SAY IT, unBELIEVable, excessive dialogue alternative, epilogous, nonsense, ridiculousity, say my name, fail timeline is fail, and some other stuff, like warnings in the spoiler! Oh and now I use some more made-up human names for our favorite nations, from their (apparent) favorite rulers/people in power. ;D (Don't bitch about it, okay?) Oh and the country names are in their own language. ._. Hungary is Magyarország ... FYI...**

**CRACKCRACKCRACKisthisreallife? nololololol**

* * *

Epilogue

_**January 5, **__**XXXX**_

**Hildegard Schmeling **and ******Preußen Hohenzollern** are now friends. _- Preußen Hohenzollern likes this. - Comment_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Did you really just like your own friend request?

_4 hours ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Ja, and now everyone else is going to friend you... now.

_4 hours ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Everyone else who?

_4 hours ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** JERK DON'T JUST LIKE MY COMMENT

_4 hours ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

**Hildegard Schmeling** is now friends with **America Roosevelt** and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling **is now friends with **Österreich Hapsburg** and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling** is now friends with **Sealand Bates** and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling** is now friends with **Türkiye Osman **and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling**

CHRIST ON A PONY PRUSSIA HOW MANY FUCKING FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?

_3 hours ago - 37 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I hate all of you. I have 2374175426512312 notifications.

_3 hours ago - 41 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern **Aww, you're just saying that because it's like you have a life now and it's so new to you~

_3 hours ago - 7 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Die in a car fire. My finger hurts and there are still more requests.

_3 hours ago - 62 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** dislike :(

_3 hours ago - 65 people like this_

**Hildegard Schmeling **is now friends with **Nederland van Nassau **and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling **is now friends with **Lietuvos Kęstutis** and **10 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling** is now friends with **Seychelles René** and **7 other people**.

**Hildegard Schmeling**

Finally! Now to wait for the feeling to return to my fingers...

_about an hour ago - 22 people like this._

- **Hildegard Schmeling **kjsahfdas this is all your fault Prussia

_52 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** I'll make it up to you :]

_51 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern and Magyarország Petőfi like this_

- **Magyarország Petőfi** Take pictures :D

_39 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** ...

_38 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Agreed.

_35 minutes ago - Hildegard Schmeling likes this_

- **Magyarország Petőfi** JUST DO IT FOR ME OKAY

_32 minutes ago - Like_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Nein, that's not what I meant. Maybe if it _was_ what I meant... but this time it wasn't.

_32 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** THE. HELL.

_30 minutes ago - Magyarország Petőfi likes this_

- **Magyarország Petőfi** Damn. Next time then.

_27 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Maaaybeeee. ;]

_26 minutes ago - Magyarország Petőfi likes this_

* * *

_**January 6, **__**XXXX**_

**Hildegard Schmeling** added **Sexy** and **German** to her **languages**. -_ 4 people like this. - **Comment**_

- **Deutschland Hohenzollern** Didn't bruder say you don't speak any German?

_about an hour ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I'm learning it for him. :]

_about an hour ago - Italia Veneziano likes this_

- **Italia Veneziano** That's so cute~!

_about an hour ago - Hildegard Schmeling likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Just like you! :D

_about an hour ago - Italia Veneziano and Deutschland Hohenzollern like this_

- **Italia Veneziano **YAY thanks :D ve~

_about an hour ago - Like_

**Hildegard Schmeling** added **sex **and **killing hookers** to her **favourite sports**. - **Like** - **Comment**

**Hildegard Schmeling** went from being "in an open relationship" to being "engaged". - **Like** - **Comment**

- **America Roosevelt** Who ya marrying & can I come to the wedding? :D

_about an hour ago - 31 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Prussia :D also, no :[

_about an hour ago - Like_

- **America Roosevelt** Butbutbut T.T

_about an hour ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** It's on a nudist beach, I have to see enough random peoples' wangs as it is

_about an hour ago - 42 people like this_

- **Sealand Bates** ew nasty

_about an hour ago - 6 people like this_

**Hildegard Schmeling **added **sex** and **Prussia** to her **activities**. - **Like **- **Comment**

**Hildegard Schmeling** changed her Profile picture.

**Hildegard Schmeling** likes **Kingdom of Prussia** and **sex**.

**Hildegard Schmeling **likes **coming in ur ass** and **Prussia's 5 Meters** on **uliiike**.

**Hildegard Schmeling** likes **dogs** and **cocks** on **uliiike**.

**Hildegard Schmeling **likes **killing hookers because they won't blow you an... **on **uliiike**.

**Hildegard Schmeling** and **Nederland van Nassua** like **marijauna **and **legalize marijauna everywhere**.

**Hildegard Schmeling**

Sexsexsex I FUCKING LOOOVE SEX

_46 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern, Française Bonaparte, and Magyarország Petőfi like this._

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I want Prussia, the most awesome nation on Earth, to fuck me so hard I forget my name

_45 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I wanna scream PRUSSIA PRUSSIA PRUSSIA all night long! fasterfasterfaster

_45 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I like dogs

_45 minutes ago - 13 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Then maybe I'll fuck him a few times until we both can't move anymore

_44 minutes ago - 39 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Since I'm kinky like that and have a fuckton of kinkyass toys in my room. In fact I have a separate room just for kinkyass toys.

_44 minutes ago - 45 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I also want to marry Prussia because he's so awesome, more awesome than every person I've ever met

_43 minutes ago - 9 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** and he always smells awesome

_43 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** just thinking of that smell makes me horny

_43 minutes ago - 2 weirdos like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** fuuuuuuuuuck I want him now, but he's off doing awesome things :[

_42 minutes ago - Like_

- **Française Bonaparte** My dear, I can suggest a plethora of better fucks than him.

_42 minutes ago - 42 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** smd France

_41 minutes ago - 11 people like this_

- **Française Bonaparte** All right, if you wish. When, where, and for how long?~

_41 minutes ago - 22 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I mean NO I WILL ONLY HAVE THE MOST AWESOME GO AWAY

_41 minutes ago - Like_

- **Magyarország Petőfi** And here I was hoping you would have better taste... Then again, you voluntarily befriended Prussia.

_39 minutes ago - 42 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Why are you so mean to Prussia? He's too awesome for that! :I

_38 minutes ago - Française Bonaparte, España Trastámara and Hildegard Schmeling like this_

- **Magyarország Petőfi** Because you're an asshole, Prussia. Get off of her account before I find you.

_37 minutes ago - 57 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Prussia's not an asshole! And this is my account, so there~ I'm just soooo maaadly in looove with the awwwesommme that is Prussssiaaaaa. Mrrowwr. And you're totally jealous.

_37 minutes ago - 4 people like this_

- **España Trastámara** I don't think Hildegard will appreciate logging on to find this, amigo.

_35 minutes ago - 49 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Well, maybe she shouldn't have made her account so easy to hack

_34 minutes ago - 41 people like this_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** Hungary is looking for you. She has her frying pan.

_34 minutes ago - 66 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I mean WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SPAIN

_34 minutes ago - 13 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Fuck you and your stupid aristocrat-ness, stupid aristocrat

_33 minutes ago - 23 people like this_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** Vulgarity gets you no where but asskicked by Hungary.

_31 minutes ago - 11 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Fuck you and your stupid aristocrat-ness nonetheless. Also, hypocrite. Also, she's not gonna find me

_30 minutes ago - 4 people like this_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** She always does. Why wouldn't she this time?

_29 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Because I'm not with West

_28 minutes ago - Deutschland Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** as demonstrated by West liking that. Mean.

_26 minutes ago - Italia Romano likes this_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** Then where are you?

_25 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Like I'm gonna tell you. I'm not retarded.

_25 minutes ago - Like_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** I'm not so sure about that

_23 minutes ago - 4 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Do mein eyes deceive me, or are you QUESTIONING my awesomeness?

_22 minutes ago - 7 people like this_

- **Österreich Hapsburg** No, I'm sure your vision is fine.

_19 minutes ago - 11 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Go away mister holey underwear.

_18 minutes ago - 24 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** I thought so

_15 minutes ago - 18 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** get off of my account

_13 minutes ago - 61 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** NEIN

_12 minutes ago - 39 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Don't encourage him PRUSSIA GET THE HELL. OFF.

_11 minutes ago - 60 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Nein

_11 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Prussia

_10 minutes ago - Hildegard Schmeling likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Was?

_10 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Get off

_10 minutes ago_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Nein

_9 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Prussia

_9 minutes ago - Hildegard Schmeling likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Was?

_9 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** GET. OFF.

_9 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** FIIINE. Killjoy.

_8 minutes ago - Hildegard Schmeling likes this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** Thank you.

_7 minutes ago - Like_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** You're welcome! 8D You may also thank me for gracing your account with my awesome

_5 minutes ago - 3 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** No

_5 minutes ago - 8 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** FINE THEN. DON'T. I DON'T NEED YOU.

_5 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** How did you get on to my account

_4 minutes ago - Preußen Hohenzollern likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Guessed your password

_4 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** It was "prussiashoulddiechokingina69" wasn't it? Too obvious, I guess.

_4 minutes ago - Magyarország Petőfi likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** No, it was "prussiaisawesome." Duh. Easiest hack ever, I always try that first

_3 minutes ago - Like_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** right before I try "iwantprussiatofuckme" and "meandprussia4eva"

_3 minutes ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** whatever

_3 minutes ago - Like_

- **Danmark Oldenburg** dude you're whipped

_2 minutes ago - 9 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** damn straight

_2 minutes ago - 41 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** what part of "hack" don't you understand? haven't you ever seen a hack before?

_2 minutes ago - 37 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** NEIN I AM NOT. damn straight my ass. I am not "whipped"

_2 minutes ago - Like_

- **Danmark Oldenburg** Suuureee. Just keep telling yourself that.

_2 minutes ago - 44 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** did you have to change my thumbnail to a close-up of my boobs

_2 minutes ago - 57 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** Ja, ja I did

_about a minute ago - 57 people like this_

- **Française Bonaparte** thanks

_about a minute ago - 56 people like this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** you're welcome, buddy

_about a minute ago - 57 people like this_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** it's all right

_about a minute ago - Like_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** ja?

_about a minute ago - Like_

- **Hildegard Schmeling** ja. i'll get you back for it. you forget who my dad is.

_a few seconds ago - America Roosevelt likes this_

- **Preußen Hohenzollern** shit

_a few seconds ago - 63 people like this_

* * *

_THE END END END (echo echo echo)_

* * *

**A/N, I think I've made my point: *takes pillow from over head* Is it... is it done? OMFG YES. YAY. Party! Party! Party! I think you deserve a prize for sticking around. I'm feeling generous and not like a spiteful bitch, so the first two reviewers on this chapter, the epilogue, (not including anyone who got to read it before it came out! BWAHAHAHA! Maybe I am feeling a bit spiteful ;D) get a Hetalia oneshot, as long as it doesn't contain any of the pairings I hate (see my profile). Oh, and I will totally happily make it rated M if you want. Sexsexsex.**

**UNTIL NEXT TIME, Sismyn! signing out. 8D**

**Edit: Wait, wait. Yeah, remember how I wrote most of these A/Ns before I wrote the actual stories? Yeah. Well, I had **_**wayyy **_**too much fun doing the epilogue, so I'd be happy to do something in that style. Additionally, I'd forgotten that I stuck "sexsexsex" in the A/N, so, heh. I think that all the nations would enjoy hacking each other, despite its illegitimacy, and they'd try to embarrass the hell out of each other as much as possible. It is also of my opinion that it is very hard to embarass Prussia (and hence, how impossible it is to embarrass Hildy, a virgin girl of Prussian descent). And finally, **_**finally**_**, those names were hard to pick. I didn't put a lot of work into it, so if you have a better suggestion go ahead and tell me. :] Though the likelihood that they'll change is slim to none. Lazy author is lazy. :3 To further prove this, my facebook is in British, and I copy pasta'd some of the stuff from there. LOL. Too lazy to change. xD**

**OR IS IT *trollface***

**_ACHTUNG_! (and that is the extent of my German!) _THE COUNTRIES ARE AS FOLLOWS_**

**Preußen Hohenzollern** is **Prussia**

******Österreich Hapsburg** is **Austria**

******Türkiye Osman** is **Turkey**

******Nederland van Nassau** is **The Netherlands **AKA **Holland**

******Lietuvos Kęstutis** is **Lithuania**

******Magyarország Petőfi** is **Hungary** as I mentioned up in that top A/N

**Deutschland Hohenzollern** is **Germany**

**Italia Veneziano** is **North Italy **(ve ve ve ve ve ve etc.)

**Italia Romano** is **South Italy** (chigichigichigi SPAIN YOU FUCKING BASTARD etc.)

**Française Bonaparte** is **France**

******España Trastámara** is **Spain**

**:\ I think that's all of them... Hm...**


	15. EPILOGOUS TWO! I Swear This Is It

**A/N: APRIL FOOL'S HAHAHA I belong in second grade. This is really and truly the end! For realz! I swear! You never have to look at this again! I mean it! I'm not in denial or anything!**

**Disclaimer: Hidekaz Himaruya owns Hetalia.**

**Warning! Random AU!fem!Prussia!... don't ask. This is really and truly the last and final epilogue! There will never ever be another epilogue ever again! I SWEAR! Additionally, the usual! Oh look no ending author's note. It was on the fake finale. Trolololol.**

**Er... I say there will never be another epilogue, but perhaps there will be a sequel? Vanished 2? And then Vanished 3: This Time, It's Personal! Self-inserts and Mary-Sues galore. Hehe, not really, but a sequel, perhaps! **

* * *

Apocalypse (or, a few years later)

"Hallo, this is the awesome Prussia filling in for the slightly-less-awesome Germany!"

"Hallo, Preußen, _wie ist das Leben_?"

There was silence on the line for a moment. "Oh, you know, the u- _fuck it_, when the_ hell _are you getting over here?"

I laughed. "I am at the airport waiting for a taxi, actually. It _is_ all right if I come today, ja?"

"Mhm. West knew you were coming eventually, so he totally kicked my ass into keeping at least one room other than my own clean! Don't even bother with a taxi, I'll come get you!" He put his phone down for a moment, I assumed to get keys, so I dragged my suitcase back inside the airport and sat inside.

"Thank you, Prussia!"

"Okay, ja, great. Now shut up and tell me where the _hell_ you went!"

Despite the fact that I couldn't both shut up and tell him something, I told him. "Er, that. Um, Daddy took me some places with him, so... That happened."

"Where'd you go?" I heard a car door shut, and I was somewhat concerned that he would try to drive and talk at the same time.

"Places, like I said. Um. Should you be driving when you're-"

"Gott, who are you, my mother!" He huffed. "Fucking hell! I've been driving since cars were invented! Feel free to _fuck off_!"

"Well, fine."

I could hear the pout in his voice when he said, "And you still haven't told me where you went!"

"Mostly South Asia and Scandinavia and the Caribbean and North Europe," I said quickly. "No big deal."

"North Europe..? YOU WERE IN GERMANY!"

"Only for like a minute!"

"Hmph. Whatever! That would have been a minute more than you usually talk to me!"

I chewed on my lip. Probably not a healthy habit. "I told you before I even finished school that I'd have to stop talking to _everyone _when I left. I haven't talked to Emma or Charlotte or Ale in years, and I only saw my mom every other Christmas. And I mean _just_ Christmas. We were busy!"

"And how many years was it? I was totally sleeping this entire time. Well, sleeping and drinking and eating pancakes and trying to punch that coddled guy in the face."

"Six."

He snorted. "And you're twelve now?"

"I'm twenty-two."

He laughed. "Older than me!"

"Like fucking hell I am! Your birthday's January eighteenth, like eight hundred years ago, mine is November ninth, like twenty-two years ago! Feel free to _fuck off_!"

A long pause.

"Is it just me or have you gotten _really_ scary sounding? Haha... ha..."

"What did you expect to happen after hanging out with you? I'm a walking F-bomb now. I scare my father."

"I suppose a bit of my awesomeness _would_ rub off on you. I knew it would eventually! And of course you know my birthday!"

Well, it helped that he tried to call me about four hundred times every January eighteenth.

"Anyway, that's just peachy. I expect some non-lame stories about your adventures when you get here." A pause. "You're still moving in with us, _richtig_?"

"Ja."

Surprisingly, it didn't take him long to get there after I hung up on him. I still didn't want him to crash or anything stupid. Prussia called me back outside.

"Bitch, why'd you hang up on me!"

"Because-"

He hung up on me.

I rolled my eyes and went back out. When I opened his passenger door, his feet were propped up on the dashboard and his arms were crossed. For a moment, I imagined him having driven all the way to the airport like that, but shook the image off.

"Road head or no ride."

"Prussia..."

"Fine, buy me food or no ride."

"Done."

* * *

It was a small cafe-restaurant, and it didn't really seem like the type of place Prussia normally went to. We sat outside anyway.

A waiter came and gave us menus, napkins, silverware, and his unneeded opinion for the special of the day. Once he left, Prussia said something along the lines of, "While you were busy _not_ talking to me, I was doing tons of awesome things!"

All I managed to get in was, "Punching Austria in the face?" before he plowed on. Apparently he had about five years worth of not talking my ear off to make up for. I let my head bob as soon as I found a pen, and started scribbling on my napkin.

He stole the napkin I was doodling on ten minutes later. If one thing hadn't changed, it was that I still liked to pretend I was listening to his insane _I-am-sooo-awesome_ ramblings. Apparently, he had stopped talking, and I had kept nodding. Oops.

"The hell is this?" he demanded, holding it up to the sun like it was a x-ray.

I shrugged. "That is what a dinosaur with a large head crossed with a cat would look like."

He turned the napkin sideways. "It looks like a _dog_."

"No, it does not," I said, turning it the right way.

"Does so."

"Does not."

"Does so."

"Does not."

"Does so!"

"Shut up."

"Nein! It looks like a dog!"

"Ja! It looks like a cat crossed with a large-headed dinosaur!"

"It does _so_," he said, sticking his tongue out. I was about to return the gesture, along with two fingers, but I caught sight of a girl standing right behind him, doing the same thing. The most strange thing was that she looked just like him, same platinum blond hair, same little kid face, same iron cross necklace. Prussia turned around. "Was?"

"Girl," I said vaguely. He turned back with a questioning look, apparently having not seen her. She was gone by then. "She... looked like you."

He took a sip of his beer whilst smirking. "She's pretty awesome then, isn't she? Her name is Prussia too."

"What."

"It all started with Italy's newspaper, a while back! The guy kept seeing this girl who Veneziano couldn't see, but she looked a lot like him! We're not sure who came next, though, America or France, because America is really obnoxious and doesn't wear much, and girl France kept trying to molest France's newspaper and give him wine." Apparently this thought made him giggle. "Anyway, West's newspaper hadn't really noticed, because the girl version of himself... Hehe, can you picture it? All I see is bruder in a dress!" And this thought made him laugh very loudly. "West's girl was too butch. Only difference was supposedly eye color and hairstyle. I didn't have my own newspaper at the time, so I wasn't sure if I had one or not... but clearly I do!"

"Yes, well, um... This means I'm already your newspaper then?"

"Yup!" he said. "So is she cute? Would you date her?"

"Uh, no, her face looks too much like yours."

He stuck out his tongue, and she was back, much clearer this time, but otherwise no different. It was unnerving.

"I won't be able to see any others, will I?"

Prussia snorted. "I don't know," he said. "Who cares though? You get to see the awesome me _every day_ from now on!"

"Hey, that wasn't in the job information!"

"Nope, but this is _me_ we're talking about."

"Oh, yeah. So it is."

* * *

**Translaaatiooonssss!**

_wie ist das Leben?_... how's life? (I realize, of course, that it is literally "how is the life" and that looks stupid, but oh well. I am so totally done with this story. :P)

_A/N: I lied. I've been doing that lately, haven't I? Anyway, to answer the question, "what the hell, why the sudden appearance of fem!Prussia?"... _

_I'm (probably) going to MetroCon... as a fem!Prussia. I thought this would be good practice. Since she doesn't have an official design, I can totally bullshit her outfit, which is good, because I'm poor. Yeah._

_If you find me (I'll be stalking/hanging out with a fem!France, an Iggy, and an America, and we will be singing somewhat random songs loudly and off-key) and say hi, I will totally hug you tearfully and proclaim your awesomeness. Of course, if you want me to hug you tearfully, you will need to point out that you know I am Sismyn, or else I will just assume you were attracted to my awesomeness, as I plan on remaining in character the entire time. Fingers crossed. xD_

_Anyway, you can really think of neither of these epilogues as the true end if you do not like them. I don't care. As I said in the first chapter, these are purely for my own enjoyment, like most things in life. Do whatever the hell you want._

**_!PFFFT I AM TRYING TO STAY AWAKE WRITING THIS. IMMA POST THIS AND FIX IT LATER. SINCE I PROMISED SOME PEOPLE WEDNESDAY. AND THIS IS COMPLETELY IN/ADEQUATE. WHICHEVER TERM YOU PREFER. I'M SORRY!_**


End file.
